Despite It

When did I get so jaded and bitter?
I don’t remember. Which particular
Incident tipped the feather?
Was it the first time I lost my voice?
Couldn’t say no to innocence lost.
Just 4 years, experienced on earth,
Violating hands, that gave me no choice.
No haven. I was still a happy child. Despite it.

Was it the second? No stranger danger..
Loved ones who calculate, to violate, the manger.
How can a six year old be sexualised?
Yet the perpetrator not be demonised?
No haven. I still was, a happy child. Despite it.

Was it the third? A decade on earth,
Up next to confirm, my only worth.
Secrets they forced till my body hurt
No amount of scouring would wash away the dirt
My no and my stop, a voice never heard.
No haven. Was I still a happy child, Despite it?

Was it the forth? A Mother now.
Building a life of which she was proud,
Biting back demons, seeing them cowed;
Working with vulnerable, no damaged child.
Till he slipped in her drink, took her control
her dignity, her safety, her right to say no!
No haven. A happy child, was I still? Despite it?

Was it the fifth? Promise to love and protect.
Never saw it coming and didn’t expect
Violating violence, hurting in depths.
Smirking, telling me, what did you expect?
Just because they didn’t like an uninvited text.
No haven. Happy? A Child I was still. Despite it.

Many more times, I don’t need to mention.
Just want to understand my own intention?
Don’t want to be so jaded and bitter.
Though it’s my story, I’m not a quitter.
So dig dirt deep, light the shadows inside me.
No haven? I still be a happy child. Despite it.