Is It Worth It?

All the chaos driven years
Tacked on fear after fear
Until I was terrified to live
you took until I had nothing left to give

Chance after chance
still, you barely gave me a glance

To keep this friendship, I've fought
and yet, I've become an afterthought
Now I'm left with battle scars
so confused, I see stars
Dancing around my head
making me wish for my bed
This takes me back to when I was having a rough time without you
back to when I felt so alone, like I had no one to go to

The more we don't talk, the easier it is not to
everyday it got easier to live without you

Each day you didn't reach out, I let a little more of you go
everyday without you, I watched myself grow
I thought of you less and less
built a life for myself without stress

It was such a relief
 and, still, I felt grief
For the part of myself that was gone
but in your life, I felt like a pawn
Easily replaced at any given time
finding myself was such an amazing climb
I don't want to climb down, I'm enjoying the view
living like this, a life devoid of negativity, is so new
I found my voice without you
 and finally learned to use glue
To fix the broken pieces, learned to stand on my own
learned things about myself I wish I'd already known

You shocked me, admitting how you used me
maybe two years ago was supposed to set me free

Are we meant to be friends?
or was this supposed to end?
You've made me question our whole friendship from the very start
your silence constantly breaks my heart
Our conversations start out the same way
when we talk, it seems like there isn't much to say

But hey, you're sorry, saying you suck
I wish I could scream, " what the fuck?"

"Hey, sorry, I've been busy, there hasn't been any time."
for every time you've told me that, I, wish I had a dime

"Hey, sorry, I'm an asshole"
at Christmas, I wish you a stocking full of coal

No, I'd never be able to wish that
not even with a bash to the heart from a bat
You have no idea how many nights I wished for your call
with each day, my hope started to fall
Eventually, I accepted a life where you're gone
you were on my mind so many mornings just before dawn

So many sleepless nights
spent replaying the highlights

But seeing you again just to lose you
after so many years and what we've been through
I thought we were stronger than this
So, now, I can only reminisce
About the friend I thought I had
but I never knew anything could hurt this bad
You confirmed what I always knew
so it seems what you're doing now is nothing new
I realize you're a new person but he's a stranger to me
haven't really heard any stories to help me see

Who you've become
how far you've come

It's like you're still holding yourself back
my hope isn't to go back but to get on a new track
But, tell me, how we get back that trust
will we ever, no matter how much it's discussed?
Do I risk it happening the same way?
if it does, how can we ask each other to stay?

Even if we could make amends
you have me wondering if we were ever friends

It was selfish, you were only looking out for you
sadly, all these years I knew
I don't know if this is something I can get past
or if this is something I want to last
I'm sorry to be so frank
for that, you have yourself to thank
You made me an advocate and now, I give myself advice
forever my own backup but at what price?

It's like kicking a dead horse
this relationship feels so forced

Maybe it's just because you don't try
sad thing is that I'll never know if this was all a lie
I'm just so tired and need to let go of the pain
but that doesn't mean, from this relationship, we have anything to gain
Life is so short,  and I won't waste the now
to myself, I made that vow
And promised to myself, I'd always be true
to never apologize for all I've been through
Trying to keep that promise to myself, I wonder one thing
because we don't, yet, know what time will bring

Wouldn't it hurt less to get out before it gets bad

rather than destroying each other trying to rebuild what we had?
Written by ThiaTartorum
Author's Note
This is about a friend I've had for about 12 years...I guess this is me trying to decide if this is a good friendship or not.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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