Don't say

'how their lives and deaths do
and have served as fair and simple warning
but these words are all useless
and empty
and done

and bated at the same time;' Beautiful, elegant and classic from you J. Completely impressive. Glad to see it!

i was hoping you would think so! a quote you posted completely inspired me today, and this is what came of it. surprise! [:

Well I am bloody glad I posted it! This is beautiful.

Well Jesta that was a journey , you seem quite pissed off at wasting your breath it seems amongst other things but I really like the marred shining moment , you painted that brilliantly , as always a great job  

well thank you, D. glad you could see through the frustration language to that little reflection of optimism. [:

J

'because it's there and
I haven't done another thing..'

Was the meridian. Before and after
its a fluid wormhole to something
'dark'.

SO happy to see this.

Respect.

S'

ah Sumeet, thank you for the reassurance, as always. I'm glad you felt it. [:

What I love about this poem is its purity of vision. It's feminine without being effeminate, dark without being aggressive, reflective without being self-piteous, and overall is a fine, concise portrait of a very particular soul.
A few suggestions, if I may: in L8 you don't need "on" after "over."
In L13 "another thing" feels awkward. How about "anything else"?
In L17/18 I don't think you need "do" and "and."
That verse about dead insects is actually my favourite. It stung me as I read, like the nihilism of modern poets like Anne Sexton and John Berryman has done before.
All JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, Jesta.

honored to make your list, Mr. Heslop, and thank you so much for the critiques. i incorporated some of it and will probably come back over the next few days to tweak. for L8, it was supposed to be "hung-over"... don't know if that makes more or less sense now, but i'd be grateful for another go over if you feel like it. [:

It does make a lot more sense with the dash (though isn't "hungover" one word?), and is actually quite a good metaphor. Thanks for clarifying.

Well i won't lie. It has taken me quite a few reads to get under the cleverly  worded lines you have going on here.
 
I expect that like some of your other writes there are a number of ways one can interpret this poem.
 
For me the first two lines really set the theme and mood.  
 
I feel thst the narrator sets a dark and almost frustrated introspective mood,bordering on self loathing even.
 
the last stanza is very telling of the narrators
thoughts;  
the way I remember staring through a monitor  
waiting in anxiety for  
a child's sleepy, troubled breathing  
to just  
stop.  
 
To just stop... an excellent ending.
 
To be blunt, i would have liked to see more spacing in the first stanza, i think it would add to the overall presentation.
 
A real, raw, and honest write none the lessa.
 
Great stuff!!
Fair play for sharing this. more power to you!

heeey, what a very insightful analysis, thank you. i took your suggestion in spacing out the first stanza and i do like it much better that way.

and, dear Eamonn, if i ask for honest critique i hope you will always be blunt. if it is shit, i expect you to say so. thanks again. [:

....I'm on 'em.

Tender, a point laid down for the reader to sift for....a re-reader. Very nice. There are a couple of parts where the read is still bumpy, but it's your write, so we'll trust you with 'em.

Well done on the one-word ending....quite the little pop :-)

DP

woot [:

yeah, definitely working on the bumps; i'll keep coming back at it and the tweaks are on for the next few days. still coming down from your latest. yeesh, what a beast.

thank you, as always, for the words. [:

completely captivated through out the verses, so manic and joyful, twisted and precious, sad and energetic as one thought could be! had me at go, hit a bump at the third and. but all in all... a fully enjoyable ride!

what a joy to wake up to... i really did not expect this much connection or response. my sincerest thanks. [:

Jesta, I have soo very many comments about this piece that I would need an entire forum to constructively lay them down.

But here are the ones closest to my heart...

1) The closing imagery is one I relate to very well, that cold memory of watching the yellow lights on the damn Monitor as if staring it down will keep those little lungs moving is an experience I'm willing to just give away. A memory I wouldn't want to keep. You have used it with precision and caused your piece to come alive at that moment for me.

2) I am in awe of how you hit us with the insect imagery while telling us you won't, for me that was candid but very well placed. (How many times I've heard "I won't discuss it...but...") giving the entire piece momentum for me.

3) The finger printed glass that grates your nerves as badly as this damn "argument" for me is very real. Its that thing we live with no matter how much we don't want too. And its all in our power to resolve. Love that!

4) I am wondering (excuse me DP) if bumpy isn't good for this piece, the flow for me feeds the actual conversation and again an argument or someone going off at you is never a smooth thing in my experience.

In closing, it has been an honour to read your work again, and again and whilst I would have commented sooner, I found it so worth while reading it over and over first. That said I must agree with Mr DP, Sir this is re-reader.

Well done & thanks for sharing.

Al -x-

and you!

the mere fact that you spent so much time with this write warms the very cockles of my heart; the fact that i got a point-by-point evoked an audible reaction from me! my gratefulness knows few bounds right now. [:  

thank you, Al. [:

Wow, you are quite a poet :). I like the end part a lot. I have not figured out all of the symbolism - but you did a great job.

well thank you for reading and taking time to comment. it's a toss-up with the personal poetry, whether others will relate to it or not, but it's satisfying that you saw something there anyway. [:

I appreciate the soft slitting imagery here.Perfect equilibrium of yang and yin.
Likey=)

and I appreciate that thoughtful and interesting take. many thankyous. [:

Primal sounds. You pay a great respect to the sounds of life. The sounds of life that have the real meaning, that live beyond the poem. The sounds that can just stop.

well! that's sort of made my evening to be honest. i get lost in words sometimes and have to trust them to bring out the feeling that's floating in my head. it helps me to pin it down, getting this type of feedback. thank you. [:

You nail it all the time. I really wish I had this talent .. Bravo women ..

so sweet, Gigi, thank you. [:

x

You broke the mold on this one I grow tired of love poems that sound so sweet this is a great love poem because it's real most love poems sound liek simple fantasies this doesn't

and I love the opening lines

Swing me from a nest of vipers.          
The less I scream
the more I say in idle tongue          
in these          
useless and empty words.

i appreciate that, Tavii, thank you. i was definitely in a more earthbound state of mind regarding love and who/what people really are. glad you enjoyed it. [:

this is awesome

thanks [:

I find it wonderful how an artist paints with words a picture so clearly seen imagined and felt. Beautiful piece of art. I hope to one day express myself with such painting of words.

wow, thank you so much. i've had a lot of help along the way and still have a ways to go, but it's great getting feedback on the progress. thanks again. [:

smoothly written piece of poetical art... x

well, thank you. [: