Desolation

Once every few months, it's like this dark cloud comes over me. This dark cloud of bad memories and pain smother me and takes me to dark places.

I think about how powerless I am. I have self-declared to be powerless because I feel like before I was raped; I was smarter, fearless and happy.

I felt dumb not to see the trap my so-called friend set before me. I became fearful of it possibly happening again. I was deeply depressed after the rape and have struggled with depression since.

To have someone that you loved like your own sister, betray you or have been paid to have two men rape you—powerless is an understatement.

I know I may talk about rape so much that it may annoy my friends. Talking is therapeutic for me, I spent years in silence. I never let anyone know what happened to me. I was so silent because I was more afraid of what others would think of me. I blamed myself for drinking one cup of liquor—that was laced with something that left my body paralyzed. There is never a year that goes by that I don't think of what I would do to those two men that raped me and that old friend that set me up if I ever saw them again.

At first, I wanted them to die slow. Then, I wanted them to apologize for the lifelong hurt that they caused. Now, I just sit back and wait for karma to catch up with them because whatever karma has up her sleeves, it has to be the worst thing that I could ever imagine.

I no longer want to be a prisoner in my own thoughts and memories. I want the nightmares of that horrid night to stop. I want justice for myself, for the old me. I want to be anyone else but me right now because it hurts to be me and not recognize myself. Sometimes rape victims suppress memories to protect themselves.

Yet, my memories of rape cannot be suppressed, compressed or eradicated. Rape is engraved in my skin like a tattoo and smells of defeat. There is no return policy on the side effects. There is no time frame on healing or mourning for the past me. Praying to God to "please give me back my sanity"! Rape breaks you and strips you of you until there is nothing but a shell left.

Sometimes I wish it was possible to separate the spirit from the body and still live. So that I could have told those rapists "you can have my body, just don't take my soul". Rape is non-negotiable, non-discriminatory, not an age, sex, or religion can be saved from this monstrous act or violation. Overwhelmed with the feeling of frustration from this information, leaves me in desolation.