I never truly understood what people meant by they used music to escape. Well i thought i didn't. I thought "why would I need an escape? and how could someone ever escape through something as simple as sound". I never really remembered actually listening to music until the other night. I put on my headphones and just let the music hit me and as it did, the memories followed. Crashing into me hard and overwhelming me. I will admit i cried for so long.
What I remembered the most was those soft moment between songs. Where the music fades and I fell back into the world around me. Unsure on where I was and whether I wanted to be there or not and I'm suddenly a young teen again. In the living room, where my bed was. I could hear it all. I could feel it all.
A new sound filling my ears and tears flooding my eyes. They screamed. They screamed as loud as they could. They wanted to be heard. They demanded it.
I couldnt hide from it anymore. I couldnt ignore my traumas. I couldn't drown them out. Not forever. The silence lasted only a few seconds. But it felt so much longer. Too long to handle.
It was a string being pulled too thin. Always about to snap. Always stretching.
The next song slowly starts up. Slow. Low and quiet. My two worlds mixed. Both muddied into each other. I couldnt tell where I was and all I know is I wanted to leave. I turned up the volume as loud as I could. So loud i was sure i would go deaf in atleast one ear. I didnt care because i wanted to try and fade away. I wanted to feel safe again. To be away from it all.
But the walls shook. They rattled. Doors slammed all around me. I couldn't hear them but I was able to feel them. All of them. All the anger. All the frustration, flooding the house. Filling it beyond what it can handle so all it can do is shake and rattle in hopes of falling apart and finally letting it all out.
I want to let it all out. I am shaking. I am creating vibrations with my bones in hopes of letting it all out. To shake out all I have known. I am the house. Too full to be lived in. Too full to take anymore but ready to in hopes I will finally burst and feel empty. To feel like I have room for myself again.
I am the house. I am the shaking house.
I am shaking. I am. I am. I am. I am letting it go.