Why Did I Stay For The Likes Of You

Gods, where the fuck do I even begin
I was 16 and I was so fucking stupid
I had dated some really fucking awful guys
I didn't really know how to say no at that point
And then there you were... this sweet talker from new york
You described the city like a poet would
Talked about your past and I identified with that
We became comrades in pain
And dear Goddess how much I loved you
You were carved from chocolate obsidian and
Every time you broke you cut me deeper
We dated, we broke up, we loved and we fucked
Over and over again we had this cycle
This seemingly endless game of tit for tat
I remember when I admitted I was self harming
And you told me to burn deeper
It's not abuse if it's over text, right?
It's not abuse when I was just as bad as you... right?
I'm 23 now and I'm not 16 anymore
I won't burn for you anymore
You wanted to leave and now I don't want you back
Take your dreadlocks, and poorly written raps
And just... go... I have nothing more for you
You took years of my life from me
You drained everything I had from me
I had a nightmare that you came back and I was caged again
You have a girlfriend... you got a girl who's stunning
and you still hitting my Washington state ass up?
Nah, you only hit me up when you're bored
When you need love... when you need your ego fed
You use my love like a poultice on your wretched soul
A therapist once told me to use "I" language in fights
So, I feel like you wasted my life away
I know that you had full blown relationships out here using me as a side piece
I know that you gas lighted me and made me feel like shit
I felt so lucky to have someone like you love me
You, no, sorry I felt like you just needed more love
And any time I got angry it was all my fault
If I hadn't been so angry... you would have responded better
And I know we would have scars with each others name on it
If we had ever met in person... Gods, your body
Every time I leave it's all "Baby... don't go. I need you"
And that's it, that is all that you do to get me back
How fucking sad is that? That's what I stayed for?
A few words on screen... a few long paragraphs on how you stabilize me
Oh please, you were one of the biggest reasons I was unstable
And I know I wasn't good for you either and I know I'm just as guilty in this
But you have never acknowledged any of the pain you have given me
You loved me crazy and fed my insecurities like a roaring flame
Why the fuck did I ever stay with you?
All the tears that I have cried, all the scars on my body, all the scars in my mind
Who the fuck could ever want me now?
You broke me down... left so much graffiti on my heart
and I don't know many people who like that style of art
You broke me into what you wanted me to be and I willingly let you
But now I've changed and I don't wanna be in your cage
I don't want to meet you in person
I don't want your kisses, your touch; nothing
I want nothing that makes you you
My zombie love just got shot by a shotgun
So... I blocked you... I'm finally free
It's finally over for you and for me
You got it all now... and I'm starting over