deepundergroundpoetry.com
moon over mountain
moon over mountain
waning crescent in twilight
leaves jilted the trees
while snow had long departed
and every street was emptied.
a boding wind breathes by red
lights that sway in the suspense.
waning crescent in twilight
leaves jilted the trees
while snow had long departed
and every street was emptied.
a boding wind breathes by red
lights that sway in the suspense.
Published 23rd Mar 2020
| Edited 26th Mar 2020
Author's Note
modified tanka; in progress
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 4
reads 436
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Mar 2020 10:47am
I love Japanese forms of poetry, and tanka is no different. The imagery here ( for me ) evokes red lanterns swaying in the wind on an empty night. I love both the silence and solitude of the verse. The half rhyme of red/suspense is a thrilling way to end.
Because this is a work in progress and you have requested honest critique, I'll suggest the following.
moon over mountain
waning crescent in twilight
the leaves jilt the trees
while the snow long departed
and every street was emptied.
a boding wind breathes by red
lights that sway in the suspense.
Firstly, you've used a determiner ( the ) four times in such a short verse. This may not be so noticeable if two were not in the pivot line ( L3 ). Try revising with something like
rogue leaves jilt their trees
( I'm not saying use this—I'm saying play with it to add more than just determiners )
This meets the syllabic form you are attempting to adhere to, while removing the double determiner.
Conversely, L4 & 5 read a bit awkwardly:
while the snow long departed
and every street was emptied.
I think it's the determiner again. Try revising the syntax of L4 to read something like this:
while snow had long departed
and every street was emptied
Read both aloud and see if you can tell the difference.
Other than those few points, I have nothing else for you. L's 1.2, 6 & 7 are perfect for me.
Well done.
Because this is a work in progress and you have requested honest critique, I'll suggest the following.
moon over mountain
waning crescent in twilight
the leaves jilt the trees
while the snow long departed
and every street was emptied.
a boding wind breathes by red
lights that sway in the suspense.
Firstly, you've used a determiner ( the ) four times in such a short verse. This may not be so noticeable if two were not in the pivot line ( L3 ). Try revising with something like
rogue leaves jilt their trees
( I'm not saying use this—I'm saying play with it to add more than just determiners )
This meets the syllabic form you are attempting to adhere to, while removing the double determiner.
Conversely, L4 & 5 read a bit awkwardly:
while the snow long departed
and every street was emptied.
I think it's the determiner again. Try revising the syntax of L4 to read something like this:
while snow had long departed
and every street was emptied
Read both aloud and see if you can tell the difference.
Other than those few points, I have nothing else for you. L's 1.2, 6 & 7 are perfect for me.
Well done.
as always thank you for such thorough feedback. i'm not surprised that lines 3-5 needed work. I agree with the overuse of determiners; they're fillers in a type of poem where each word should carry weight due to the restricted syllable count.
honestly, L4-5 were written entirely differently before i submitted the poem here; but i wound up editing them at the eleventh hour because i found they didn't quite communicate the feeling i was going for (they were too positive, if you can believe that for my writing). so it's not surprising they're full of fillers; frankly, i kind of just wanted to be done with this one by the time i submitted.
anyway, i took your suggestions and made changes to L4-5, but i'll probably revisit this one in a bit and see what other changes i can make specifically to L3 that feel right, using your feedback as a guide. thanks again
honestly, L4-5 were written entirely differently before i submitted the poem here; but i wound up editing them at the eleventh hour because i found they didn't quite communicate the feeling i was going for (they were too positive, if you can believe that for my writing). so it's not surprising they're full of fillers; frankly, i kind of just wanted to be done with this one by the time i submitted.
anyway, i took your suggestions and made changes to L4-5, but i'll probably revisit this one in a bit and see what other changes i can make specifically to L3 that feel right, using your feedback as a guide. thanks again
24th Mar 2020 11:37am
4th May 2020 7:27am
