Chapter 24  "Stroking"

 
I suppose I should start at the beginning. Well, first God created the world, in only 6 days and on the seventh he rested. Well who wouldn't, I mean Universe building can be so tiring. He then created Adam, a fine hunk of a man with only a fig leaf to hide his embarrassment. God noticed that Adam was bored and had to do all the housework. So he created Eve to be Adams slave and to do exactly what she was told. 'Hey, the good old days!'. Although I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if God had not created Eve. I suppose there would have been a lot more neon plastic furniture, scatter cushions, feather boas and sore bottoms.

Anyway back to the plot. I am thinking this story might be a tad long, let's jump a few years.

I was having a lie down had been feeling a bit icky all day. Got up to go to the little boys' restroom. I often wonder why Americans insist on using the term 'Restroom.' I mean you are either straining to take a piss or you're forcing out a reluctant log, and, 'Oh boy,' as for the smell. It's hardly a place of rest, but I digress. I was feeling queezy and then all of a sudden; 'DISCO', flashing lights, a tub-thumping beat, and feeling faint. 'Danger Will Robinson! Danger!'

I woke up in a nice fresh, clean, comfortable bed, with a much better-looking computer sitting next to me, beeping and flashing. 'Oh, I thought,' she's decorated the bedroom as I slept and bought me a new computer. But no, disappointingly, I was indeed in a hospital with doughnuts being fed to me through a drip, it had a positive effect but just not as yummy.

I sat up in the bed and as I did the door opened and in drifted Florence Nightingale circa 1920. The only good thing I could say about her was that she would have got one of the starring roles in Beauty and the Beast and that all her tattoos were spelt correctly.

"What are you doing sitting up," she said showing her teeth, well, it was her tooth actually, oral hygiene obviously not one of her strong points,

"Lie back down, you have to rest, doctors orders!" She barked. Well you know me, I am not a man to step away from a fight, a man who knows no fear, a man of courage. So, I immediately laid back down and quivered like a big jelly.

"Doctor will be in to see you shortly."

"Nurse, I said, I am feeling hungry, really really hungry. She smiled one of those, I am twisting the knife in your ribcage smiles and without a word pointed to the sign above my bed "NIL BY MOUTH." "I hope that includes any sarcastic comment from your mouth too, you old hag!" That was telling her, or it would have been if I hadn't waited until she was out of the room before saying it.

I waited for the Doctor to arrive. I waited and waited and waited, suddenly the door burst open, and the Doctor slinked in. 'WOW!' She was the spitting image of Marlyn Munroe, very nice but the spitting was not ladylike and completely unnecessary. She stood there at the end of my bed in a short leather miniskirt, short enough to see the black suspenders and stocking tops, Her white silk blouse was subtly open to the navel, with a short but stylishly cut white coat and stethoscope to match. She leaned in, panting, breathing heavily.

"You've been a very naughty boy", she purred."Looks like I am going to have to give you a good seeing too."

She climbed slowly and seductively on to the bed and straddled me, moving slowly and ever closer. My bedside computer started to make lots of strange noises as did I, then she got closer

"Do you mind if I examine you?" she said licking he red, shiny lips.

it was at this point I felt a tightness on my left arm and shoulder. 'Not now God,' I thought.  'Please let me let me have this one, just this one!' The tightness got tighter. In a flash Dr Munroe had vanished, she was gone. I was awake again and the nurse with the tattoos was shaking me by the arm, telling me the doctor was coming."If you hadn't woke me so too would I have been, you stupid old boot."Luckily I whispered that under my breath and she did not respond.

The real doctor arrived looking 14 years of age approximately. Obviously still a believer in Santa clause, the tooth fairy, and Pubic Hair is one of Bugs Bunny's closest friends.

"Well, Mr Macleod, you've had a minor stroke, you've been very lucky.

"Are you sure?" I said, "I have never been a miner and I am not usually lucky, well not this lucky."

It was then I noticed that speech only seemed to be coming from the right-hand side of my mouth and I sounded a bit like an alcoholic asking for spare change, all was clearly not well. A few tests, a quick examination and off he went whistling like a demented fruit bat. 'Well thanks for that.' i thought here I am unable to give the doctor a right hook, whilst talking a bit like Sylvester Stallone, Like that he was gone, he just went, whistling, no explanations, no prognosis, no decent movie script offers.

A few days later things began to improve and nearly back to normality. I was released for good behaviour but placed under house and bed arrest. But you know me, soon as her back was turned, I turned on the porn channel and had decided

'Hell i am gonna have a major stroke this time!'