Hidden

I've kept myself hidden
Not really though
But mentally so
The type of hidden when you ignore texts
From people who "want to get to know you"  
But in reality their only interest is what shade your tits are
The type of hidden when people don't know who you even are
The type of hidden I can't explain
 
I've let people love me who should never have touched me
who never should have touched me
I repeat who never should have fucking touched me
I paint myself as monster, as a beast, as if I'm cold
 
But really I am terrified of loving like my mother
She went back over and over to a man who hurt her kids  
And put a knife in her fucking head for christs sake
Of being taken advantage like my father
My father was raped, he'll deny it but he was
She touched him when he was sick and unconscious
And he still pays that child support every month
 
I am afraid to love like my adopted parents
I'm afraid to love someone so much that their death turns them hollow
That their death makes them lose kindness
That their spirit, soul and will to care about people dies with them
 
I never want to love like my fosterparents
Where she would yell and belittle him over and over again
and he would just smile softly and whisper to her how much her loves her
I never wanted to love people the way people have loved me

 I met a guy when I was 13 and I loved him so much
Because he didn't touch me like a doll that would break
But then it got abusive, I hit him and he hit me
We shoved fought and slammed our teeth into each other when we kissed
And he was my distraction, my safety and when he hugged me the other day
It felt like coming home, beware the arms that feel like home
When home was never safe for you, beware that person who feels like home
When home was never fucking safe for you, do you hear me?

But when I look around and it's all that I have done
One guy has been coming into my chatbox since I was 16
Coming and going as much and as often as he pleases
It's not abuse if he can't and has never touched me, right?
It's not wrong to chat because "we're just friends"
It's not normal to beg someone who has never kissed you to not leave you
 
I loved a girl and she was so breathtakingly beautiful
Her laugh was some type of disney shit, man
Her eyes rivaled the beauty of the moss in sunlight
She made me realize that I was fucking gay
And I had no idea how to love a girl
Every time she'd kiss me I'd get flashbacks to sermons  
About hell fire and satans greed for my soul
And I would scream in my head that her kisses were worth damnation
That she was worth it, all of it and my adopted mom told me to kill myself
Because it was better to go to hell for killing yourself
Than to be seen kissing a girl
It doesn't matter that she was 16, a liar with gorgeous lips
And didn't want to be with a girl who had been with men
And she don't know that she broke my heart more than the rest
and every time she talks to me... she still calls me baby
 
They come and they go... They lie to me.. telling me all that I want to hear
and I give them what they need, endless love and a safe place to be
I've kept myself hidden with my endless maze of lovers who don't care
Hidden like the kind of hidden only a child of poverty knows
Hidden like the last bit of foodstamps traded for gas
Hidden like a girl on her knees with a guy whispering he loves her
But he only loves the shape of her young mouth and that fact that she warms him
Hidden like all my experiences have taught me to be
I have loved them each from a place so hidden
And I am so tired of hiding... can someone just... know me?