The Silver Lining In The Cloud

“In the beginning I only found people who created the silver lining in my clouds. I walked away from my dreams because of the hopeless feeling that created dark clouds in my life. Success was blocked and I didn’t see any good resulting from my failures. This bittersweet feeling from others creating obstacles for me caused me to quit. Failure took my self-confidence away and, almost defined me. Instead, I realized I was brave for trying new things.”
♥♥♥
Years ago, I tried starting my own business because I thought it would contribute more to my creativity. Coming up with ideas and making simple designs on Microsoft PowerPoint motivated me. It made me believe in myself even if others didn’t. I was having fun and enjoying myself. There was just something about being a creator and an independent business owner. My little secret- of wanting to be a writer and established business owner begin to manifest into a reality for me. I started a radio show on an internet based website and a Youtube channel. I also posted my poetry on facebook transitioning from the poetry websites I used in high school. My motivation and support system soon went from a dream and turnt into a nightmare.
Although I felt I was being my authentic self, there were many people who were just being mean just because and I had never received the kind of responses I did in person that I did online. Keep in mind that this was when Facebook had just begun and, Myspace was dying out and Youtube was starting to become popular. I knew I had talent but there were more people taking my writing as a joke. I was more concerned with what others thought about me and feeling invisible that it became almost an obsession to be discovered. I was willing to sacrifice my own self-image for the approval of others. It stopped being about the art for me and that quality was better than quantity.
I allowed the opinions of others to stunt my growth and cause me to make irrational decisions by signing book contracts which I saw red flags but ignored them. I wanted people to feel who I really was just by reading my books that I put myself in bad business deals and caused myself a lot of unnecessary trouble and heartache. The heartache led to me not being dedicated to my dreams anymore because of the scams that were ran on me. With each scam setting me back, it buried my dreams a foot deeper. Not only that, I wasn’t getting along with the indie publishers and some of the writers were so concerned about being the best, anything I did or posted that wasn’t to their liking they went and told on me as if we we’re in pre-school. Instead of realizing the enemy was using this as a tool to distract me, I became angry and added fuel to an already burning fire of drama and confusion. Soon, the gossip started that I was a troublemaker even though I wasn’t doing anything different from before signing the indie book contracts.
Looking back, I realize that these people were placed in my path to create silver linings to cause harm to my identity. The gossip of my failures begin to spread and I was embarrassed. Instead of taking a step back to examine the issues I was having I continued to pretend that everything was ok. I was to immature to realize that some people will just spread lies just to hurt others for their own satisfaction. Tearing others down is a way to build themselves up. Eventually, I had to learn not to worry about what others thought about me because there would always be speculation but God is the only validation needed when others question your motives.
Why would she write the subject-matters she does? What would cause her to make the same mistakes more than three times and get scammed? Was she a trouble-maker?
The gossip spread so rapidly that everyone knew more about my situation than I did. the conversations about me dissolved my voice and the malicious words of others made my journey more difficult. It’s one thing to go through a dark time; its another to go through it while there’s an audience. My private battles were now at center stage for others to be entertained by. Being true to myself was no longer something I strived to do. Everything I did was being scrutinized without me trying. Looking back now, I would’ve never guessed that the negative social media buss would lead to my blessings presently. Without even realizing it, the oppositions pushed me to persevere and get my education which has changed my life for the better. It was as if all the discomfort was pushing me through the doors of favor. In college, I was around others determined to be successful just as I was. My professors saw my passion and I received support in ways I would have never envisioned. As I learned more my confidence begin to come back and I begin to meet people who wanted to genuinely support me in all avenues. Soon, the assumption and speculation from others meant nothing. My enemies became my footstool. I almost let how others were trying to tarnish my name cause me to quit and run from what God had in store for me. The salacious gossip drained my energy and I was only concerned with what others thought about me to the point I couldn’t concentrate on the things going on in my life. Perfection and approval addiction had power over me until I finally broke free from the chains and focused on the calling over my life.