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Bi-Polar - Through the eyes of a complex Mind

*Update* Thank You Candor for helping me with this in the critique forum. Very appreciated. Thank you everyone else for the help aswell truly I am very grateful.
 
You're a living performance trying out for a part, while inside you're broken and falling apart.  
Mind is clouded with judgement-reality strikes.  
Life's an emotional rollercoaster ride: your views morph to shades of black and white.  
 
Daily struggles of pain, weakness a curse.  
This is me, myself, and I.  
Scars of pain, torture, neglect,  
have given me this complex mind.  
 
As calm as the sky  
to darkest of night,  
seems nothing I do  
is ever right.  
 
Dark as a prison  
Lost in a storm,  
Thoughts enter like bullets-  
Mind tattered and torn  
I lose all my breath.  
As I lay my head, I rest.  
All hope lies in myself,  
Lost days ahead  
 
On days I know will fall  
to ashes for all to see  
I dread the path to follow -a trip of anxiety.  
 
At times I am uplifting,  
feeling alive and well.  
I think, "could I be better?"  
I guess only time can tell.  
 
But time can never stop,  
Its never been my friend.  
It's a burden that you carry;  
Grim thoughts that will not end  
 
Destruction, chaos:
Will to never surrender.
Eternal pain, restless slumber  
insidious like cancer.  
 
Rollercoaster of endless emotions  
-Too many painful memories-  
Takes the light from my darkness;  
Brings me a smile of uncertainty  
 
Brain is altered,  
All you want is to be free,  
But youíre full of flaws beyond repair,  
And a burden to all you meet.  
 
My emotions unbalanced,  
My tears will pour.
Happiness is a euphoric high;
Iím the rage in a storm.
 
I donít break - I shatter;
feelings are like silicone glass.
Easily I will break -
- Just breathe, this too shall pass -
 
These chains grip my neck,  
heads lost at sea.  
soul is lost,  
leaving only anxiety.  
 
Wrong turn along the way,  
minds out to lunch,  
body so tired  
could sleep for a month.  
 
No memory, no knowledge  
of the people around me.  
Other days, on top of the clouds,  
all I think of is...party.  
 
Paranoid starts,  
Always feeling left out.  
Many moments I hideaway,  
shutting everyone out.  
 
Friends gone,  
relationships faster.  
Life is a game  
with my difficulty on master.  
 
Can't see life  
as it's easy for others,  
as most of it starts  
Forever searching for the answers.  
 
 
So, ask a question,  
I'll respond to the answer.  
I'm not joking...confused yet?  
Cause, that's nothin.  
 
I have medicine daily,  
And take parts of you.  
Is it normal to feel numb, cold, passion gone?  
Minds a regular day at the zoo.  
 
Some days this feeling,  
keep pricking my skin,  
With overloaded thoughts,  
seems I can't ever win.  
 
My head is left spinning,  
Too much darkness in my head.  
Drown in worry as to why your friends,  
would say what they said.  
 
Deceived by the whispers,  
they think you don't see it.  
Emotional, alone, infected with burden;
A failure, you surrender and quit.  
 
If I needed attention,  
why isolate myself inside?  
Be robbed of sleep and hunger,  
living a battle to fight suicide.  
 
next the hospital  
here I go.  
Hide that deep sadness  
but they already know.  
 
Another dose of pills,  
Confused, you freak out.  
You've seen every doctor,  
they don't care what you're about.  
 
when your time's done,  
You have no one to call.  
You're back at square one  
feeling nothing at all.  
 
Will this be my story;
Will I ever find my home?
Forever being judged,
All I have is writing poems.
Yet all I need is a pad of paper,  
and my trusty good pen.  
Then turn on inspiring music,  
By my favorite artist...Eminem.  
 
I may not believe in god  
but I have my own reasons,  
it's not like the days  
where you went to trial for treason.  
 
I'm not saying don't believe
If it helps then please do.
Hold onto it, cherish it -
I'm asking you to.
 
Trust me the older you get,  
the harder it is living with an illness like this.
You need support, hope, and love  
to help find eternal bliss.  
 
On the days that grow darker,  
when the light seems it's not there,  
I want you to know,  
many relate and do care.  
 
If you're alone and need a friend  
go to the pound, they need love just like you.  
I have two, couldn't live without them -  
They listen, a friend and do anything for you.  
 
The point I'm trying to make:
you're not alone...have no worries.  
I still struggle each day,  
with my love in my thirties.  
 
Joanna Ryan-McDonald
Crazontheinside
Written by Crazontheinside (Joanna Ryan-McDonald)
Published | Edited 27th May 2020
Author's Note
Living my life daily with bipolar.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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