deepundergroundpoetry.com
Of Death and Crowns
I settled into your blood,
Love
Your veins were blue
beneath the waves
cherry lips on the sand-
kiss the stone that broke you
let blood for the damned
your truth was a martyr
burned on dry land
I wept for your colors
stained with our death
your price was instead
an oath I paid in red
yet I never felt regret
for your worth was more
than a fragile sun
shedding it’s light
on emerald seas
I remember when
I settled into your bed..
I held you as you bled
consumed by the monsters
clawing through your head
I fought for our dream
against a wave of dread
You screamed my name
Darling..
You screamed my name
Love
Your veins were blue
beneath the waves
cherry lips on the sand-
kiss the stone that broke you
let blood for the damned
your truth was a martyr
burned on dry land
I wept for your colors
stained with our death
your price was instead
an oath I paid in red
yet I never felt regret
for your worth was more
than a fragile sun
shedding it’s light
on emerald seas
I remember when
I settled into your bed..
I held you as you bled
consumed by the monsters
clawing through your head
I fought for our dream
against a wave of dread
You screamed my name
Darling..
You screamed my name
Published 12th Feb 2020
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I see lots of potential for this poem, but I'm thrown off the horse by both the current punctuation and lack of it better informing us that it is the narrator's partner with the cherry lips kissing the stone that broke him/her ...?
I suggest from
"Your veins were blue
beneath the waves
cherry lips on the sand-
kiss the stone that broke you
let blood for the damned
your truth was a martyr
burned on dry land"
to
"Your veins were blue
beneath the waves;
cherry lips upon the sand
kiss the stone that broke you
letting blood for the damned-
your truth martyred
burned on dry land"
And with a little more finesse, you could reduce "shedding" to "shed" to fit into the rhyme scheme.
I suggest from
"Your veins were blue
beneath the waves
cherry lips on the sand-
kiss the stone that broke you
let blood for the damned
your truth was a martyr
burned on dry land"
to
"Your veins were blue
beneath the waves;
cherry lips upon the sand
kiss the stone that broke you
letting blood for the damned-
your truth martyred
burned on dry land"
And with a little more finesse, you could reduce "shedding" to "shed" to fit into the rhyme scheme.
I thought it was perfectly fine the way it was. It wouldnt make any damn sense to change shedding to shed btw
14th Feb 2020 10:53am
Love this style of poetry. Love the words you used and the descriptions. This poem was a piece that an ex of mine could have wrote about me during a half hearted suicide attempt. Damn good
14th Feb 2020 5:17pm
15th Feb 2020 9:55am
I love when poems have action and this feels like it is both on the verge of it and leaving it behind.
