life poem (work in progress)

to celebrate
my eighteenth birthday
i went\to the post office
and registered for the draft

next i bought a map
and planned
my escape
via the northern route
to winnipeg

i figured i would
avoid the toronto crowd
and head farther west
(always wanted to be a cowboy
or a spaceman)

the war ended
and the draft
instead
of becoming canadian
i was just
another confused
teenage boy
on his way to kill time
in college

major selected
by a flip of the coin
equally drawn
to science
and literature
secretary said
i had to choose one

for two years
i majored in biology
(pre-med)
(because that is what
i was told i should do
from before i could walk
“oh, he’s going to be the doctor in the family”)

problem was
i am not
the competitive sort
and my classmates
were people who would
sacrifice their first-born child
for that seat in med school

saddened and confused
i dropped out
loaded all of my stuff
into the back of my beetle

and

headed west
to california
(a little late for the summer of love
and way too early for the dot com bubble)

didn’t make it to cali
fell in love with warm weather
and stark desert landscapes

found a little town
in BFE that liked me

one semester of training
and i was hired
to drive ambulances and save lives
in the rural arizona outback

a year went by

bored with no potential for upward mobility
a grizzled er nurse suggested
i might be a pretty good nurse
so off i went to the university

worked my way through with odd jobs
plasma donation
parental donations
and good-humored support from my fraternity brothers

one summer weekend
nearly died in the river
(they said i was under water
for eight minutes)

i wasn’t the same after that

teenage angst
anger and hate
replaced by love
and gratitude

after graduation
there was work in the big city
night shift
good pay for thirty six hours a week

living in fear the first year
terrified that my inexperience
would kill someone
but never letting it show

preserving few lives
experimenting with others
comforting
the ones who couldn’t recover

teaching hospital
cardiac, trauma, burns, pediatrics

settled in to the er
because i’m easily bored
and there you never know
what’s coming through the door next

got good
at delaying death
and teaching others
the trade

got married started to raise a family
son joy of my life
woman who hated me
my wife

american dream
turned nightmare
divorce

a year later
car wreck
fatal head injury
and my son was dead

and i died inside
six years of grief
second divorce

wasn’t the same after that

living alone
no one to ‘guide’
or criticize
except my self
whoever that is

learning to be

self-reflection
spiritual exploration
beginning to feel peace
and
rarely
joy

discovering who i am
without others ideas
of who they think
i am

exploring the darker
side of my self
and liking it
making new friends

jettisoning ‘friends’ who are
judgmental
temperamental fickle contrary
or mean

embracing my creative self
getting dirtier
washing less

dancing and singing more
laughing and making others laugh
being sexier
and more discriminating

more agape
less eros

saying yes
following through

keeping promises
to myself

checking things off
and adding new things
to my bucket list

i don’t know how this will end
will it go on forever
a poem
like Dorian Gray’s painting
will it be completed by someone else
after i’m gone or
will it remain
unfinished