deepundergroundpoetry.com
Grey Wing
A grey wing beats and numbs the day
and hollow indecision drapes itself unbidden
all along my limbs,
like bleaking fog seeped over Autumned paths,
a caul that's smothering my breath.
My hours that should be joyed with work
are dulled and trail away before my eyes
like lulled, stooped shouldered men
paced aimless, shuffling,
slow along their way.
No livening's left to me now;
in sway on everything's a chill,
a lowering, a winter's pall.
She is not here.
She's distanced all.
and hollow indecision drapes itself unbidden
all along my limbs,
like bleaking fog seeped over Autumned paths,
a caul that's smothering my breath.
My hours that should be joyed with work
are dulled and trail away before my eyes
like lulled, stooped shouldered men
paced aimless, shuffling,
slow along their way.
No livening's left to me now;
in sway on everything's a chill,
a lowering, a winter's pall.
She is not here.
She's distanced all.
Published 4th Feb 2020
| Edited 6th Feb 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 379
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Feb 2020 5:40pm
4th Feb 2020 5:49pm
5th Feb 2020 1:23pm
I read it once. It is about feeling completely alone and trying to fight on your own. Even in light you sometimes feel lost in darkness. We make ourselves hard to understand. This was well written. We all have feelings like that and it can make it difficult. I see all your pain even though I might have said it differently. We all see pain differently.
5th Feb 2020 1:35pm
Thank you for your response. But I'd like you to know that when I post something here, what I'd like from readers is a response that is centered in whether or not I showed craft -- and how and where I did or didn't.
For instance, you say my piece was well written. But I want to know why you say this. Would you please state what you mean by "well written" and then go on to point out how and why it was? I am not helped very much by a response that is essentially just "Yay!: or "Boo!".
For instance, you say my piece was well written. But I want to know why you say this. Would you please state what you mean by "well written" and then go on to point out how and why it was? I am not helped very much by a response that is essentially just "Yay!: or "Boo!".
5th Feb 2020 1:36pm
1 Wings remind me of butterflies and it seemed like just one bit of joy changes your own outlook.
2 you combines emotions of living things and made it about everything
3 you speak so well of true joy how you can't find it.
4 you use imagery and connection to show how similar we all are
5 you feel completely alone. I have written that last phrase so many times it is instilled in me. Does this help?
The simpleness was beautiful.
2 you combines emotions of living things and made it about everything
3 you speak so well of true joy how you can't find it.
4 you use imagery and connection to show how similar we all are
5 you feel completely alone. I have written that last phrase so many times it is instilled in me. Does this help?
The simpleness was beautiful.
Comments like this:
"3 you speak so well of true joy how you can't find it."
although appreciated, are not helpful. I need you to say more about what's involved in speaking well and **how**, not that, I did it.
And so far as I can see I was not speaking of true joy; nor was I attempting in any way to show how similar "we" are to each other. What leads you to say that "true (or any kind of) joy was my subject and that my intent was to show that a reader resembles the narrator of this piece?
"3 you speak so well of true joy how you can't find it."
although appreciated, are not helpful. I need you to say more about what's involved in speaking well and **how**, not that, I did it.
And so far as I can see I was not speaking of true joy; nor was I attempting in any way to show how similar "we" are to each other. What leads you to say that "true (or any kind of) joy was my subject and that my intent was to show that a reader resembles the narrator of this piece?
6th Feb 2020 1:15am
Glad to see you are writing more.
"Grey Wing
A gray wing beats and numbs the day"
Which spelling were you shooting for grey - or - gray? Perhaps autocorrect nabbed you.
"and hollow indecision drapes itself unbidden
all along my limbs,
like bleaking fog seeped over Autumned paths,"
Perhaps you could replace with
"as a bleaking fog seeping over Autumned paths,"
to keep the tense the same as the next line
"a caul that's smothering my breath.
My hours that should be joyed with work
are dulled and trail away before my eyes
like lulled, stooped shouldered men"
There's that word "like" again that you don't really need because you are a poet skilled at metaphors and equating shit. I suggest
"as if lulled, stooped shouldered men
paced aimless, shuffling,
slow along their way.
No livening's left to me now;
in sway on everything's a chill,
a lowering, a winter's pall.
She is not here.
She's distanced all."
"Grey Wing
A gray wing beats and numbs the day"
Which spelling were you shooting for grey - or - gray? Perhaps autocorrect nabbed you.
"and hollow indecision drapes itself unbidden
all along my limbs,
like bleaking fog seeped over Autumned paths,"
Perhaps you could replace with
"as a bleaking fog seeping over Autumned paths,"
to keep the tense the same as the next line
"a caul that's smothering my breath.
My hours that should be joyed with work
are dulled and trail away before my eyes
like lulled, stooped shouldered men"
There's that word "like" again that you don't really need because you are a poet skilled at metaphors and equating shit. I suggest
"as if lulled, stooped shouldered men
paced aimless, shuffling,
slow along their way.
No livening's left to me now;
in sway on everything's a chill,
a lowering, a winter's pall.
She is not here.
She's distanced all."
