Pretty lies and convenient truths

TW: abuse, sexual assault, coercion, blackmail, trauma, death of a loved one





I was born into a world of pretty lies and convenient truths,

Before I even knew the word for 'mother' I was separated from mine,



At 8 I discovered some more than interesting uses for braided pieces of yarn

at 9 I was discovered and told that I was broken



At 11 I was placed in an actual school

I had been alone, my only friends were animals and trees

I did not know how to fit in

I was from a world that was not theirs

I was a girl too alien to be accepted.

I was a threat to their perfect world

so the others choose to attack physically and mentally

I was 11 when I first thought of leaving this world



At 12 I told a boy I liked him

He replied by accusing me of an action that I wouldn't know about till I was 16

The school took his side and I wasn't welcome back



At thirteen I taught myself to separate from emotional attachments.

they were the path to a darkness that I wanted no part of.



At fourteen I had my first date and realized I was pansexual



At fifteen I had my first brush with the sexualization of my body by others

I was in college classes and one of the guys found out my age

I got to watch as the news traveled loudly through the class boys

I did not fully understand

My second time of having everything I knew taken from me occurred that year as well

My grandmother died and I moved in with my father

I also got to have my first experience with flashbacks,

and repetitive dreams that were actually memories



At 15 I discovered that I was not broken for the feelings I had

Yet, also discovered that I was not allowed to express them till I was 18

I disagreed

I got my first phone for my 16th birthday

I spent most of that night on my knees taking orders from a stranger who did not know my age

I told myself it was for their protection

but really I was scared they'd leave, and rightfully so if they knew



at 16 I had my first relationship that ended with a fuck you

I realized he was slowly pushing me past the limits I had set

I did not see an option to get help so I dealt with what i knew of his blackmail

 I thought it was over, it was not

I was outed to my family and all hell broke loose

It was then that I had my first experience with manipulative cops

I was isolated again because that's how life is



I was 17 when I lost my virginity

then I stopped him and told him I was in pain

he told me it would get better if we continued

naively, I let him, for I did not know how to communicate my pain

and I was here to make him happy, right?

On the way home, was the first time I was slapped in the face with my own use

"you know we're just sex, right?"

numbly I nodded, went home, showered and cried

Submissively, I was happy I had helped him

humanly, I was completely broken

I did not yet know, nor had ever had the chance to learn,

that this wasn't a one-way street

that my trust and submission were a gift for me to choose

not a right of men to take

somehow my brother, in his make sure you know what you're getting into speech

 had forgotten to reinforce that as well



I was 17 when a guy I knew started groping me in the hallways

I tried to be civil, but eventually, it made me too uncomfortable

I guess he thought my corseted waist and heels were an invitation

a sign that no matter what came out of my mouth,

that what I really meant  was yes

I worked up the courage to report it to the school

they reviewed the tapes and found he used the blindspots

with nothing but my word I was told there was no point in pursuing it

he was asked to leave me alone, which he only half obeyed

I left my friends group, too afraid they'd choose his word over mine

to even give them the chance to make a choice



I was 18 when i moved cross country for the third time

it was then that the misconceptions that I had started to break down

I learned the truth and met someone who respected my wishes



I was 20 when I helped a friend out of an abusive relationship and fell for them

they took the thread of our budding poly relationship and weaponized it

they made me feel like I was alone, they tried to force me into help I didn't want

when things didn't work out to their liking it all got worse

I was drowning in my depression and anxiety and my partner couldn't reach me past them

eventually, we broke free from this cyclical pattern from them

I started to heal



I took a contract for a higher paying modeling gig

I thought I had everything negotiated to a t

and once again a stranger violated my trust and consent

he hit me as I was trying to get air

asked me if I was gonna be a good girl now

my mind knew it was safer to comply than to fight

I froze

he pushed forward, slowly going so far outside what we had negotiated

that I no longer knew how to think, I just wanted a shower and to cry

I left trying to look normal, inside I was gone to somewhere where this discomfort could not reach

I was a stranger imprisoned in my own body



A couple of weeks later I finally reported it all to the cops

at first, I was hopeful, there's no way this would be like all the other times

where my tired and hurting voice fell through the chasms of loopholes and excuses

but it seems this would be no different, there was no rape kit and no bruises

I could not prove that he "knew" he was hurting me

I could not prove he knew he was in the wrong because I had never fought back

Because I had chosen safety, I had removed my right to justice

besides, how does one charge a ghost with a crime

If he doesn't exist where is the proof it even happened

 I was born into a world that accepts pretty lies and convenient truths

because they are far easier than accepting that anything happened at all







Authors note:

I know that my right to consent is mine alone

I am so grateful for the support of those I have surrounded myself with

those who have stayed by my side and fought for me even when I did not know how to fight

especially my partner who has stuck with me even as I learn to heal