deepundergroundpoetry.com
WHEN FREED FROM SIN
WHEN FREED FROM SIN
I heard a voice inside my heart that said,
"I'll give you sight that sees throughout the space.
Look up towards the heaven of your soul
that God prepared for you to live in peace.
I looked and saw my parents lodging there
with faces that were young so calm and pleased.
I'd seen those faces when l was a child,
and they were glad to be at home appeased.
I saw grandparents whom l'd never seen.
They were so young and full of great delight.
I heard an angel say that life there was
so sweet as it's freed from what wrecks the heart.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
I heard a voice inside my heart that said,
"I'll give you sight that sees throughout the space.
Look up towards the heaven of your soul
that God prepared for you to live in peace.
I looked and saw my parents lodging there
with faces that were young so calm and pleased.
I'd seen those faces when l was a child,
and they were glad to be at home appeased.
I saw grandparents whom l'd never seen.
They were so young and full of great delight.
I heard an angel say that life there was
so sweet as it's freed from what wrecks the heart.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 23rd Jan 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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24th Jan 2020 3:11pm
"I'll give you sight that sees throughout the space."
Once again, deixis. Which space is "the" space?
It seems you are incapable of writing without employing deixis -- and that is the mark of a poor writer who thinks his referent is clear when it isn't.
And how many times are you going to use "so" in your piece, let alone as a degree adverb without stating, as you should, what the extent of the thing "so" modifies" (calm", "sweet", "young" actually is?
I'm also wondering if you know what the meaning of "appeased" is. It appears you chose it in order to get a rhyme rather that because it is something that people in heaven (which, according the NT and early Christian thought, is NOT a human being's true home -- thank you Plato and Gnostic heretics)) actually are.
One of these days you are going to have to realize that your particular understanding of what a writing has to look like, and what form it has to follow, if it is to be poetry, let alone effective poetry, is what keeps you from producing anything that is memorable and worth reading.
Once again, deixis. Which space is "the" space?
It seems you are incapable of writing without employing deixis -- and that is the mark of a poor writer who thinks his referent is clear when it isn't.
And how many times are you going to use "so" in your piece, let alone as a degree adverb without stating, as you should, what the extent of the thing "so" modifies" (calm", "sweet", "young" actually is?
I'm also wondering if you know what the meaning of "appeased" is. It appears you chose it in order to get a rhyme rather that because it is something that people in heaven (which, according the NT and early Christian thought, is NOT a human being's true home -- thank you Plato and Gnostic heretics)) actually are.
One of these days you are going to have to realize that your particular understanding of what a writing has to look like, and what form it has to follow, if it is to be poetry, let alone effective poetry, is what keeps you from producing anything that is memorable and worth reading.
