deepundergroundpoetry.com
Alpha Centauri
https://youtube.com/watch?v=YxO1csWNKmg
Please copy and paste and listen while reading and as always , thanks for looking :)
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket
and we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of life among stars ...
Please copy and paste and listen while reading and as always , thanks for looking :)
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket
and we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of life among stars ...
Written by
Zazzles
(Broomie)
Published 22nd Jan 2020
| Edited 16th Jun 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 4
comments 12
reads 531
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re. Alpha Centauri
22nd Jan 2020 6:26pm
This is such a potent wake up call, Jackie. Being so preoccupied with what we want that we're overlooking what we have. Powerfully true. I love the title.
I would honor your request for honest critique with the following:
Climate change[,](—)
(i)t’s all a part of the grand scheme( ; )
wealth and greed
[took] over(came) the American dream
Firstly, I would suggest consistency with your capitalization. It appears your style is to cap each new stanza, with the exception of the first, where you have two caps. I would recommend capping the beginning of sentences only to ensure a smoother read. Where it gets confusing here is the cap following a comma. A comma suggests a pause, but a cap suggests a new sentence. I would end L1 with either a semicolon or em dash, which connects and indicates a continuation. You could keep the comma; however, because L2 is indeed an independent clause, I suggest connecting them as the two sentences they are. Secondly, I suggest lowercasing it's in L2 since you're connecting it, and end it with a semi colon to connect L3/4 as an independent clause as well. Lastly, if you removed 'took' and added 'came' to the end of 'over', you would be playing into the consonance and assonance of American. Not only that, look at how it would play into your perfect ( yes; I said perfect ) rhyme scheme!
If adopted, the stanza would look like this:
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme;
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Punctuation is the prose of poetry; it's an extension of your vision, is a tour guide for the reader, and the closest thing to your voice in the poem, in regards to how you want it read—where you want them to pause, where to stop, when to move on, etc. Particularly novice readers who are not yet familiarized with an unpunctuated style.
Craziness like Jeffery Da(h)m(e)r*
and Harry Weinstein(—)
what’s the difference?
The only suggestions I have for this stanza are to correct the spelling of Dahmer, and then em dash for emphasis to lead into the question. Lastly, after consideration, I would say 'Ignorance' vs Craziness. Ignorance is the number one cause of discord and destruction by man; also the disease of deterioration among relationships. Ignorance leads to fear leads to action or reaction. Also, it plays beautifully into difference in L3.
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket [anyway]( ; )
and( , ) we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition [premises]
Here you could actually trim a couple of words and not lose an ounce of your meaning. I love L2—it is a fantastic dagger of realization perfectly placed, a wakeup call of sorts. I would place a comma after and for a brief pause before pushing it all the way into the heart of awakening.
America is a burning blanket;
and, we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of [a] life among [the] stars ...
You could lose two extraneous words in that last line and really tighten it up. If these suggestions are taken into account, your poem would read as such:
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme;
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket;
and, we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of life among stars ...
I love that you ended it with an ellipses, meaning there is more to come! This is not over. And, there may be hope yet. Who knows. . .
Jackie, please keep in mind that an honest critique is merely honoring the request for such with time. With the exception of proper grammar and spelling ( unless intentionally incorrect for purposes of diction ), critique is largely the opinion of the critiquer. Sometimes it's just a matter of preference. The final decision is always the poets. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to expand on your poem.
Much love. xo
I would honor your request for honest critique with the following:
Climate change[,](—)
(i)t’s all a part of the grand scheme( ; )
wealth and greed
[took] over(came) the American dream
Firstly, I would suggest consistency with your capitalization. It appears your style is to cap each new stanza, with the exception of the first, where you have two caps. I would recommend capping the beginning of sentences only to ensure a smoother read. Where it gets confusing here is the cap following a comma. A comma suggests a pause, but a cap suggests a new sentence. I would end L1 with either a semicolon or em dash, which connects and indicates a continuation. You could keep the comma; however, because L2 is indeed an independent clause, I suggest connecting them as the two sentences they are. Secondly, I suggest lowercasing it's in L2 since you're connecting it, and end it with a semi colon to connect L3/4 as an independent clause as well. Lastly, if you removed 'took' and added 'came' to the end of 'over', you would be playing into the consonance and assonance of American. Not only that, look at how it would play into your perfect ( yes; I said perfect ) rhyme scheme!
If adopted, the stanza would look like this:
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme;
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Punctuation is the prose of poetry; it's an extension of your vision, is a tour guide for the reader, and the closest thing to your voice in the poem, in regards to how you want it read—where you want them to pause, where to stop, when to move on, etc. Particularly novice readers who are not yet familiarized with an unpunctuated style.
Craziness like Jeffery Da(h)m(e)r*
and Harry Weinstein(—)
what’s the difference?
The only suggestions I have for this stanza are to correct the spelling of Dahmer, and then em dash for emphasis to lead into the question. Lastly, after consideration, I would say 'Ignorance' vs Craziness. Ignorance is the number one cause of discord and destruction by man; also the disease of deterioration among relationships. Ignorance leads to fear leads to action or reaction. Also, it plays beautifully into difference in L3.
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket [anyway]( ; )
and( , ) we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition [premises]
Here you could actually trim a couple of words and not lose an ounce of your meaning. I love L2—it is a fantastic dagger of realization perfectly placed, a wakeup call of sorts. I would place a comma after and for a brief pause before pushing it all the way into the heart of awakening.
America is a burning blanket;
and, we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of [a] life among [the] stars ...
You could lose two extraneous words in that last line and really tighten it up. If these suggestions are taken into account, your poem would read as such:
Climate change—
it’s all a part of the grand scheme;
wealth and greed
overcame the American dream
Ignorance like Jeffery Dahmer
and Harry Weinstein—
what’s the difference?
America is a burning blanket;
and, we are a dying civilization
dreaming on the presupposition
of life among stars ...
I love that you ended it with an ellipses, meaning there is more to come! This is not over. And, there may be hope yet. Who knows. . .
Jackie, please keep in mind that an honest critique is merely honoring the request for such with time. With the exception of proper grammar and spelling ( unless intentionally incorrect for purposes of diction ), critique is largely the opinion of the critiquer. Sometimes it's just a matter of preference. The final decision is always the poets. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to expand on your poem.
Much love. xo
1
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
22nd Jan 2020 6:56pm
It was my pleasure, Jackie. Thank you for accepting it in the spirit it was given. xo
1
Re. Alpha Centauri
22nd Jan 2020 7:22pm
Ava!
I must say, your input not only made this poem better but it made it perfect!
My hat is off to you beautiful soul , beautiful woman ❤️
Thank you
Jackie xoxox
I must say, your input not only made this poem better but it made it perfect!
My hat is off to you beautiful soul , beautiful woman ❤️
Thank you
Jackie xoxox
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
22nd Jan 2020 8:58pm
Re. Alpha Centauri
23rd Jan 2020 8:38pm
Well encapsulated gravitas. Terrific economy. For some reason I thought of the movie Noah. The evil king says, The cities are dead! It's likely we're headed that way. 💖💖
1
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
2nd Feb 2020 5:09am
Hi Daniel it is always wonderful to see you on my pages
I have been star tripping for a few months now 🤷🏻♀️
I guess it’s part of wisdom :)
Hugs my brother
Jackie xxx
I have been star tripping for a few months now 🤷🏻♀️
I guess it’s part of wisdom :)
Hugs my brother
Jackie xxx
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
2nd Feb 2020 8:10pm
(hugs) We're all connected but experiencing the journey of individuality. It's always a pleasure Jackie. Be safe and blessed.
0
Re. Alpha Centauri
28th Jan 2020 5:42am
Truth.
I like the bit about wealth and greed overcoming the American Dream...there is a certain irony there because wealth is the 'American Dream' for many.
For me, when it gets to the part about the 'burning blanket,' not only did I enjoy the alliteration and the visual, but it somehow seemed to relate back to the wealth and greed overcoming the American Dream...the blanket seemed like a metaphor for the greed and it's all-encompassing nature.
I like the bit about wealth and greed overcoming the American Dream...there is a certain irony there because wealth is the 'American Dream' for many.
For me, when it gets to the part about the 'burning blanket,' not only did I enjoy the alliteration and the visual, but it somehow seemed to relate back to the wealth and greed overcoming the American Dream...the blanket seemed like a metaphor for the greed and it's all-encompassing nature.
1
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
Hello Dear Dragon 🤗
sometimes I think we were all here before and became extinct- ish . We are a creature of habit and I suspect we have been at this point somewhere else in the universe perhaps even mars .. maybe we wiped it out like here but are simply unaware.
Idk life is more clear as we get older
Loves ya nice to have you back in Dup
Jackie 🤗❤️
sometimes I think we were all here before and became extinct- ish . We are a creature of habit and I suspect we have been at this point somewhere else in the universe perhaps even mars .. maybe we wiped it out like here but are simply unaware.
Idk life is more clear as we get older
Loves ya nice to have you back in Dup
Jackie 🤗❤️
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
22nd Sep 2020 4:06am
Thank you. :) I have wondered similar things about history repeating itself, about humans (or something similar) rising and then falling to their own hand of destruction. I don't suppose I ever landed on a firm belief about it either way, my beliefs are rather fluid at times.
Keep up the beautiful work!
Keep up the beautiful work!
0
Re: Re. Alpha Centauri
26th Sep 2020 9:40pm
I think for me my decision is that,
The aliens we seek so desperately are an evolved
version of us. It’s always been us...
I am sure that anything g totally alien we will never find because let’s be honest we are aware that we will be viewing from the past after all..
Seems a big sphere Among trillions and more other spheres .. awww, the unknown ..
Love you my dear poet friend
Love ya
Jackie ❤️
The aliens we seek so desperately are an evolved
version of us. It’s always been us...
I am sure that anything g totally alien we will never find because let’s be honest we are aware that we will be viewing from the past after all..
Seems a big sphere Among trillions and more other spheres .. awww, the unknown ..
Love you my dear poet friend
Love ya
Jackie ❤️