A long cold road.
I have a long road ahead. There's not much to see on this journey. There's no one to talk too. It's just step after step after step. Days, weeks,months pass and still nothing. The small sense of pride you have for what little improvements you made quickly vanishes in the guilt you have for being on this journey. See you were there before… A few times even…. And Everytime you set yourself farther back on this road. There is no end in sight. There is only the next step. And when the slience starts to break you down…. You know you will never reach the end of this road. The constant thoughts of nothingness that awaits you when it's all over, turn into a hope. You want to give into it right now, even though you still have thousands of miles to travel and years or decades left of fighting. You start to remember how you got here. All the mistakes made. People hurt. Lives effected. You realize the very thing thing you've been running from and trying to escape from during this journey, was yourself. There is only one escape from your mind, and once set free it can never return. Your left confused, scared, hopeless… alone. The only thing you have left is this journey….. and this dam cold lonely road. Out of pure just not knowing what else to do… you press on. Most days are quiet and focused on the task at hand but the loudest and most influential days are the ones where your not only physically grinding your way to the end but when you mentally feel trapped in the journey as well. A lot of self blame comes from this… It becomes harder to breath, harder to think, harder to move. Every step becomes a mountain. The best you can hope for is the return to the long cold quite road. The very journey that's causing these dark days turns out to be your only peace. If that's what you would call it. It's kinda like comparing a terrible dream to your worst nightmare. Terrible dreams suck but If the alternative is the ultimate bad dream….