deepundergroundpoetry.com
A poem to my counselor
As I sit glossy eyed trying hard to hide my fractured heart that's breaking inside I let out a smile and try to mask the pain that my wounds and scars clearly can't hide I breathe and tell her my secrets even though she already knows them all, all of my faults and my weaknesses, I'm pretty sure she's seen them all but I still have a hard time not shoving her and my heart behind this wall that I've created to keep me safe
I am a disgrace.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Im not even as valuable as the gum I picked off of my shoe earlier, even that had a purpose, to lay in someone's mouth and be chewed excessively until it's flavor melted away.
I am the melted away flavor, use me until you see my broken and then toss me outside where I'll be scrapped off of someone elses shoe
But
She said "I wish she would have given you to a family that would have loved you" I could have had a chance to be loved? Someone could have loved the flavorless broken me?
I'm worthy of someone finding joy in my existence? That thought stops my obnoxious, intruding thoughts of not being as worthy as that gum for a moment
I try to break her train of thought by telling her some meaningless thoughts but she saw through my mask and asks me how many times I've failed in the week how many demons I couldn't kick off I tried to knock down that wall again so I could walk out not kicking myself for all of the secrets that I kept hidden but she already knew, she sensed my heart as it was breaking
Before I answered I saw her heart was aching she was crying tears of my making
I wanted to hug her.
I wanted to tell her I loved her
But I remembered I couldn't have
Not without breaking this code that says we aren't supposed to be human
But
She reminds me of what being human is supposed to be like
So instead of telling her, I change the subject before my mind starts compulsively thinking about how me and that gum are so much alike again.
I walked away wishing I had hugged her wondering if she knew that when I got home id sit alone in my room and I'd cry too.
I am a disgrace.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Im not even as valuable as the gum I picked off of my shoe earlier, even that had a purpose, to lay in someone's mouth and be chewed excessively until it's flavor melted away.
I am the melted away flavor, use me until you see my broken and then toss me outside where I'll be scrapped off of someone elses shoe
But
She said "I wish she would have given you to a family that would have loved you" I could have had a chance to be loved? Someone could have loved the flavorless broken me?
I'm worthy of someone finding joy in my existence? That thought stops my obnoxious, intruding thoughts of not being as worthy as that gum for a moment
I try to break her train of thought by telling her some meaningless thoughts but she saw through my mask and asks me how many times I've failed in the week how many demons I couldn't kick off I tried to knock down that wall again so I could walk out not kicking myself for all of the secrets that I kept hidden but she already knew, she sensed my heart as it was breaking
Before I answered I saw her heart was aching she was crying tears of my making
I wanted to hug her.
I wanted to tell her I loved her
But I remembered I couldn't have
Not without breaking this code that says we aren't supposed to be human
But
She reminds me of what being human is supposed to be like
So instead of telling her, I change the subject before my mind starts compulsively thinking about how me and that gum are so much alike again.
I walked away wishing I had hugged her wondering if she knew that when I got home id sit alone in my room and I'd cry too.
Published 18th Jan 2020
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18th Jan 2020 8:03pm
I like the poem but it could use some more structure. Make it easier to flow. Feel each and every word you write and think of all the pain you have ever felt. I could feel what you said but try to break up into a story instead of a confession. Make it yours and find a way to make it not only emotional but powerful. That is the true purpose of poetry and it is hard to achieve. Keep people off guard with different stanzas so they have to think about that part. Keep people interested not only with what you feel but what they feel. Nicely said just work on finding a rhythm that fits you.
