deepundergroundpoetry.com
warriors of the host united
life's masochist screams, no more torture and pain!
melodramatic, yes; but, with real feelings it's me—
it's not all about me...
sending ripples in the pond, we affect one another;
life is a love affair of the mind—
time goes on, and we march
warriors one and all, we evolve in understanding—
pain a great teacher, it holds all spectrums of truth;
flavoring our souls with so many shades of knowledge
sigh happiness in moments between
streets of old, street of gold
I hear ancient drumming—
brothers with honor war each other;
not for power or riches. but for the love of each other—
I remember these men fondly
time passed...
they were later to become known as angels
order from chaos—
something from nothing is creation
pain the teacher—
I submit to this master
I've warred fiercely against it;
then, slowly my vision cleared and I could see
it was the great leveler
bringing my worst enemy to its knees—
when I turned and realized it was my arrogance
I bowed my head and prayed
Published 7th Jan 2020
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likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 9
reads 451
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jan 2020 10:58pm
Excellent message; what you resist persists -
in the spirit of Honest Critique, I'm going to offer some suggestions in regards to punctuation ( in parenthesis ), and removal of what I feel to be excess words [ in brackets ]. Apply them, read it aloud, and tell me what you think.
life's masochist screams(,) no more torture and pain( ! - would also italicize for emphasis )
melodramatic(,) yes(;) but(,) with real feelings it's me—
it's not all about me...
sending ripples in the pond(,) we affect one another(;)
life is a love affair of the mind—
time goes on(,) and we march
warriors one and all(,) we evolve in understanding—
pain a great teacher(,) it holds all [the] spectrums of truth(;)
flavoring our souls with so many shades of knowledge
sigh happiness in [the] moments [in] between
streets of old, street of gold
I hear [the] ancient drumming—
brothers with honor war [with] each other(;)
not for power or riches(,) but for the love of each other—
I remember these men fondly
time passed...
they were later to become known as angels
order from chaos—
something from nothing is creation
pain (is) the teacher—
I submit to this master
I've warred fiercely against it(;)
then(,) slowly my vision cleared and I could see
it was the great leveler
bringing my worst enemy to its knees—
when I turned and realized it was my arrogance
I bowed my head and prayed
As you can see I barely removed any words, and suggested only a few for smoother reading. This was an excellent piece of poetry with a powerful message I could easily read and understand. Channeling at its best.
in the spirit of Honest Critique, I'm going to offer some suggestions in regards to punctuation ( in parenthesis ), and removal of what I feel to be excess words [ in brackets ]. Apply them, read it aloud, and tell me what you think.
life's masochist screams(,) no more torture and pain( ! - would also italicize for emphasis )
melodramatic(,) yes(;) but(,) with real feelings it's me—
it's not all about me...
sending ripples in the pond(,) we affect one another(;)
life is a love affair of the mind—
time goes on(,) and we march
warriors one and all(,) we evolve in understanding—
pain a great teacher(,) it holds all [the] spectrums of truth(;)
flavoring our souls with so many shades of knowledge
sigh happiness in [the] moments [in] between
streets of old, street of gold
I hear [the] ancient drumming—
brothers with honor war [with] each other(;)
not for power or riches(,) but for the love of each other—
I remember these men fondly
time passed...
they were later to become known as angels
order from chaos—
something from nothing is creation
pain (is) the teacher—
I submit to this master
I've warred fiercely against it(;)
then(,) slowly my vision cleared and I could see
it was the great leveler
bringing my worst enemy to its knees—
when I turned and realized it was my arrogance
I bowed my head and prayed
As you can see I barely removed any words, and suggested only a few for smoother reading. This was an excellent piece of poetry with a powerful message I could easily read and understand. Channeling at its best.
7th Jan 2020 11:54pm
thank you beautiful Vati for taking the time to critique this write...I suck at punctuation I love what you did and made the changes... I deeply appreciate your insight...
love Brenda ❤
love Brenda ❤
7th Jan 2020 11:56pm
Hey, you have the poetry! Punctuation will come. Something to help is to read aloud every poem you channel. Let the energy rest, then read it aloud, see where you need to take a breath, feel where you want to pause, where you want the reader to pause, the emphasis, etc.
It will become as natural as writing is to you.
It will become as natural as writing is to you.
8th Jan 2020 1:10am
far be it for me to comment on punctuation considering my penchant for using it willy nilly 😅 i shall leave critique in vati's gentle but most capable hands & simply say that i loved this write...
"pain a great teacher, it holds all spectrums of truth;
flavoring our souls with so many shades of knowledge"
... that reminds me so much of a quote from pasternak:
“I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them. ”
i think this is why you see all the beauty life has to offer.
💕💖💕
"pain a great teacher, it holds all spectrums of truth;
flavoring our souls with so many shades of knowledge"
... that reminds me so much of a quote from pasternak:
“I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them. ”
i think this is why you see all the beauty life has to offer.
💕💖💕
11th Jan 2020 2:06pm
thank you beautiful one for sharing this wise quote with me... I love you lady...
love Brenda ❤
love Brenda ❤
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Feb 2020 1:22am
8th Jan 2020 3:04am
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8th Jan 2020 9:33pm
8th Jan 2020 5:21pm
"pain the teacher—
I submit to this master
I've warred fiercely against it;
then, slowly my vision cleared and I could see
it was the great leveler
bringing my worst enemy to its knees—
when I turned and realized it was my arrogance
I bowed my head and prayed"
... a deep journey Crim, only the toughest warriors embark on them. Having the humility to learn is of the essence. Best wishes for 2020, Josh.
I submit to this master
I've warred fiercely against it;
then, slowly my vision cleared and I could see
it was the great leveler
bringing my worst enemy to its knees—
when I turned and realized it was my arrogance
I bowed my head and prayed"
... a deep journey Crim, only the toughest warriors embark on them. Having the humility to learn is of the essence. Best wishes for 2020, Josh.
8th Jan 2020 5:28pm
