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Emptiness

I had been searching for a while

Looking for the word to describe the pain that I feel.

That word is Empty...

You see, there is this empty pit in my heart and it grows deeper with every passing minute.

Alcohol used to distract me from it but now that I'm sober, it all is becoming too real. I used to use alcohol as a way to cope with the many issues that come with growing up in a house of functional dysfunction.

My parents were great but they were not perfect.

Growing up with alcoholics is like a rollercoaster ride that you're stuck on the majority of life...

At least that is what is supposed to happen but mine are dead...

What I've come to realize is that I have become comfortable in a constant state of chaos, confusion, and dysfunction.

See alcohol wasn't/isn't my only vice. I also have to admit that women are still very much troublesome to me.

Women... oh the beautiful vampires with angel eyes. I prefer to call them the succubus. See not all women are monsters; just the ones that are attracted to me are either monsters or have been hurt and are shut off.

I have a type. I'm so filled with the pain that they flock to me. These women are great deceivers. They lure me in with their angel eyes and homely exterior, only to grow distant and cold once I become commited.

Women are a great distraction when you're captain save 'em.

You can't focus on your own bullshit if you're hard at work trying to improve someone else's circumstances.

These women start as a distraction but ultimately add to the pain that I'm starting to think I'm addicted to as well.

However I digress...

So how did I come to learn that I feel empty? It's simple; my current relationship is the culprit.

I was an emotional wreck when I met her. She was someone who knew the pain of not being enough for those you love. You see, nothing I ever did was good enough for my parents when they were living. As a result, I constantly seeked validation through friends and romantic partners. Them dying only intensified that need for validation and created a gaping hole inside of me that I'm afraid will never be filled.  

Anyways, back to her,  

She is everything that I want in a women.  She's beautiful,  kind,  a great cook, funny, weird, and above all else,  a great mother.  

Meeting her created a 7 month distraction that, like Michigan construction crews, filled that empty void temporarily. When she's in it, she is the most beautiful thing on the planet. That beauty only grows when we are apart and that is dangerous for me. The more she pulls away, the harder I fight for us. Our love, which was great, has turned into another form of torture for me. I feel invisible. Deep down, I know that talk is cheap and her actions show how little I mean to her. It has gotten so bad that I attempted to erase her from my life by blocking any contact between us. In her absence, I had the time to think about how I truly felt and that is empty.

The scary part is that, while I love hard, it has become really easy for me to cut people off because I lost the only two people that really mattered and anybody else will ultimately disappoint me and take advantage of my kindness.

I'm empty....
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update: The way of thinking in this journal entry is part damage, part truth, and part anxiety. The final paragraph is only somewhat true. It is easy for me to cut people off, however I could never cut her off completely. I love her too much. I'm torn between feelings of neglect and feeling as if I'm so afraid of being hurt that I cannot truly see her pain. I try to see. I try to be there for her but she doesn't let me in. So when she goes cold, I just panic...
Written by 0ld_s0ul
Published
Author's Note
Just a journal entry to distract me from my current pain
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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