deepundergroundpoetry.com

Pages torn from a hustler's journal: 7

Rhyme martyr grinds harder than a blind barber / Cutting you from the waist up / Carving up trust / Time is a construct / Mind is all of us / Just trying to spark the realest shit since Marcus Aurelius / Smartest feels in the gist / So part of me


What comes from talking to people from the deep past is a sense of mortality, of change and solid growth. Staring into the product of someone else’s long road and knowing they had to go through so much, overcome and sacrifice and hold down an internal world that shifted and shed its layers as they lost innocence and naivety, made hard mistakes and got back up again. While you travelled the country, became what you would become by way of misadventure and hard lessons their ball of yarn spun out as well, unaffected by you, just as the world would be had you not existed. Not existing to someone for 20 years, and then popping back in again, learning who you are is very heavy and sobering. So much had to be shed in a person’s selfhood to advance from adolescent to adult. So many adults I’ve met never graduated past adolescence and their circular patterns, lack of reasoning and accountability stains their judgement in every step. Some people get flash-frozen at some nascent stage of life. Having continued to adapt and grow and face challenges head on, taking the losses as lessons, I can relate better to change, to genuine presence and acceptance of the world, to real awareness, to fulness. The time I have spent away from anyone and everyone ever in any moment of my life was time spent living a journey hard and growing from it. Why 5 minutes away is 5 minutes of mental rinse. Perhaps part of the reason I like reconnecting with or even considering or looking at anyone From the past is my awareness of my own degree of change and the contrast I like experiencing.


There was a time when marijuana was the highest sense of comfort or pleasure I could find. My life was fraught with pain, exhaustion, depression, loneliness, anxiety, weariness from overload and a disconnect from my highest self. It was then that marijuana could lift me to a softer place, where colors were more muted but ran together more and music felt like a blanket, food was easier to taste. It was easier to believe in a gentle world, to think about creating a better reality and to appreciate the simpler things in life, to be drawn into fascination and drown in awe. Lucid creativity was mixed with pleasure-seeking and solace from the fragile confines of reality. Ultimately I was facing the precipice of realization. Reality is fragile at its edges. The center does not hold. The structures that we create for understanding and navigating through the world are based entirely on fear-response and a clinging to orthodoxies as life rafts. I am okay with this now and accept this with stoic bliss everyday with meditation and Wim Hof breathing. I accept this from jiu jitsu. I make my changes with comedy, Hip Hop, my hook up life, my friendships, my hustle to achieve independence. There was a time though, when I was afraid to break down those walls and make those power moves. That was when the weight of the world really bore down hard because I knew shit wasn’t kosher. I knew I wasn’t living true to myself, that I was conforming to what others said the world was like and that I was supposed to confront that. I was supposed to actively defeat that in my life and set my discipline and path towards constructing a life to represent what I represent, to find my kind and fuck the opposition. Reactive propulsion is such an intense motivator and a constantly regenerative fuel source, why I love the underdog story. Outlast to adapt. Marijuana helped me in the early days of my questioning, of my hard awakening and thankfully I never stopped questioning, never ceased to fight what I knew not to be right, so I could keep carving this path. Marijuana is now a supplement to everything else I do.


I need to be skating right now. It’s almost 10 p.m. but I need to be on deck, flowing, feeling the road beneath my feet, every bump and groove and change and just cruise. Maybe I need an electric skateboard because I need to cruise at 20 miles an hour and just feel my balance, lean into the gravity, glide from the momentum altering course, and be a part of flow. The more a part of flow we are, the more we think through motion. Kinetic thinking bonds us to our environment and is instinctive, with responses based in the liminal state. That’s making love to my highest self and finding one-ness with God.


The windows to the soul are most open when we are most receptive. Not everyone will get this. The center of the bowl is empty. Useful for holding food. When you pray you talk to God. When you meditate, God talks to you. There’s always a feed, the message wherever it leads, doesn’t even have to be interpreted to be caught, honored, followed. Keep it abstract


Nakedness is best shared by choice, an earned or entitled space. If I am naked with someone it’s because we crossed so many bridges first, to bring us so close together, to feel and understand the animal. Why every sexual encounter lubricates the system and makes the next easier. Why nakedness without sex eventually feels weird. Sex is supposed to be a net positive and the whole creature learns, grows, the gigantic super-organism evolves from reflecting on the interactions and changing to meet the needs and compete against a world of odds. Nakedness is vulnerability, self-acceptance, and an act of love, desire, bonding. Nakedness is sacred and the arousal it brings is as holy as the transcendent moments I revisit daily. Why I am able to make love with a woman who hardly speaks a word of my language.


Men are genetically wired to please women. Some of us are conditioned differently, or wired differently, or resist our encoding, but it’s in our genes. We want to please women because by that barometer the species will continue to propagate and prosper with every passing generation. If man is the measuring stick of civilization, women are the measuring stick of temporary placement. Constantly changing, shifting, woman is a mystery, softness, receptiveness, empathy, healing, feeling, compassion, mellifluous, warm, improves situations, tests everything except what she believes in, tender, believes so hard and all of that is right now. Men are wired to please women because it serves hypergamy which serves the evolution of the species and the continuation of the cycle. Consciousness and complexity itself must constantly increase and the whole accelerates, grows. It’s far beyond human principles and views, because it’s far beyond humans, consciousness, nature, life. Past life complexity continues to increase and the universe really doesn’t give a fuck about you individually anymore than you give a fuck about the gut biomes you flush. You are the whole, so you are the eternal universe, but as a cog that doesn’t distinguish you from dust or from the dead. Most humans are dead and all humans are dead for longer than we’re alive. The only distinction is arbitrary and during life that’s a meritocracy we roll in, so that arbitrary distinction comes at a cost. We fulfill that cost for women, for sex, making civilization and the peak of intelligence for sex because that’s what rolls the cycle. We’re genetically programmed to find ways to please them and take pleasure in doing so.


Understanding humans from an anthropological view makes it easier to let go of things like needing validation or jealousy or the fear of situations ending. The more I let go of that, the bigger my perspective feels. Not getting lost in the details, not having to cling to the moment and make it last forever makes it so I can just enjoy the moment for what it is. Everything I do as a human being I am doing as an animal and I can be content knowing that I am just following my strategy, staying the course. There’s a validation in the consistency of that journey, that discipline to say “What is mine? What is me?” My decisions, thoughts and feelings, the consequences of my actions are what is mine and me. To be the clearest, wisest, kindest version of me involves understanding myself, understanding all of us from an anthropological view because that’s what my oldest self, my most animal self does. That’s looking at the whole model.
Written by LokiOfLiterati
Published
Author's Note
Coming through changes
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