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Mask (the Last Straw)

I love my family, they've given me so many gifts,
Love, kindness, support, acceptance, food, clothing, a roof over my head, school, and now Christmas gifts.
I do and say many things that bring me happiness,
But I also wear a mask of happiness...
What happened to them?
What made them suddenly change in this chauvinism?
My emotional well-being no longer seems to matter to them,
As long as I am fed, and not on the streets, then I am hunky dory!
I have to tell them a happier story,
Of how my day went,
So they'll be content
And not assume I'm some vegetable with depression,
Who is both too stupid, and too sad to take care of themselves, and will face rejection
By all of society, because I am not a social butterfly, and I don't smile every second of every day,
You know I have Resting Bi*ch Face! We even joke about it, I've always been this way!
I'm getting tired of the constant happiness,
I want to just have normal amounts of happiness,
This is making me too tired,
But if I stop now, they won't see tired,
They'll see depression and/or suicidal,
This is the last straw final!
I didn't have depression,
But now I seem to have situational depression.
Maybe when I get out of the hole I've dug, I will no longer have this depression.
I've dug myself a hole, I learned to correct every mistake my brother made,
Because my Mom corrected every mistake I made,
Now if we talk for too long,
He'll get tired of it, and think that some of the things I say are not friendly reminders, jokes and movie/video quotes, and fun facts, but excess corrections, wrong,
I'm sorry, I know what I did was wrong,
I just wanted him to know when he was wrong,
Before he got punched in the face, shot, or jailed for saying or doing the wrong thing,
And now for the past year and a half, I have been better at not correcting for every little thing,
This time has been a major transformation for me,
I've learned more about the world, about you guys, and about me,
I've got personal struggles I've been going through,
You don't know what I've been though,
Being in love, trying to figure out my gender and orientation, becoming okay with the thought of tattoos, getting an eyebrow piercing I know my Dad doesn't like, even though he won't say it,
Correcting less and less, trying to claw my way out of this hole, and you keep pushing me down in it.
This is the last straw, all I asked, brother dear, was if you could go into the living room
Where they were suggesting watching the Shining, in the room...
The room where you would walk past to go to the restroom, or walk into to get a snack, I knew that movie would frighten you,
I don't like that movie too,
I've never seen it, but it looks stupid,
I know I'm an adult, but I wanted to play Minecraft, and thought asking to interrupt their movie on Christmas tradition would make that seem invalid,
So all I wanted you to do,
Was to say kind of hesitantly, "Well, I kinda...wanted to play Minecraft..."
I thought then, they would say something like "Oh, okay," then I would start up the game, I love Minecraft!
Then you would leave the room for a second, then come back and say that you changed your mind,
And I would say "Oh well, I'll play by myself for a bit, I don't mind!"
Then I would play for a bit, without looking like a big manchild,
But you had to be a d*ck! You had to be a big, whiny, child!
You quickly shot me down with whisper-yells of loathing hate,
On Christmas! A day of love, and no hate!
You didn't have to play if you didn't want to,
I'm not a child anymore, but they still believe it to be true,
I just wanted you to cover me,
So I didn't look like the child they think me to be,
But instead you had to be hating me.
This is the last straw, you need to learn from your actions,
For the rest of the day, I will no longer respond to any of your words or actions...
 
...I really wish it didn't have to come to this,
But I've been trying to claw myself out of this hole,
And you have been replacing the walls with sand, mining the rocks at the bottom, digging it deeper, pushing me down, filling it with quicksand, and building a heavy, stone, castle on top of this hole.
Orc_Pirate_68
Written by Orc_Pirate_68 (Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell)
Published | Edited 7th Mar 2020
Author's Note
#stream-of-consciousness #hate #love #maybe-time-heals
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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