Designated Driver

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,  
All the kids were asleep, except for me and my spouse.
We were wrapping up presents when we heard a noise, 
My wife said “what was that? Go check on the boys”. 
 
I checked their bedroom and they were snoring in their beds, 
Dreaming of video games and other things in their heads, 
“They’re passed out, I don’t know what that could’ve been,
But let’s hurry up because I want some” I said with a grin. 
 
Just then we heard a loud crash right outside the backyard, 
It was a large man knocked out and he had fallen hard. 
I got my bat ready to beat the hell out of this punk, 
But it was Santa passed out and I could smell he was drunk. 
 
Could this really be Santa? Then we got the proof, 
His sleigh and reindeer were parked on top of our roof, 
“What are you doing here?” I asked jolly old Saint Nick, 
But he slurred his words, it looked like he was sick. 
 
We helped him to get up and he was heavy like log, 
“I come bearing gifts” he said “Here, have some eggnog.” 
“Santa” I said “It looks like your drink was heavily spiked,” 
“He’ll need help” my wife said, then I got totally psyched. 
 
“Yes my dear boy” he said, “I’ll need help to deliver these toys, 
And as a thank you, here are some gifts for you and your boys… 
Quickly, get on the sleigh, this job is an overnighter!” 
I’ll never forget the year I was Santa’s designated driver.