deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dancing in Hell
The time has come, here and now
No choice remains, you must go
Darkness has fallen, delay no more!
Tonight you dance with demons
The hall is at capacity, every monster
impatiently waiting- honored guest
You indescribable, exquisite mortal,
dance like your soul depends upon it
They will try to force you to submit
these tempting devils you dance with
offering to end your pain, right this instant
Surrender sweetly, darling... just let go
Move lightly, don’t miss a step
stay with the beat, keep smiling
Little time remains, make the call
You haven’t been trapped just yet
Bells toll the hour, it is Midnight!
Cries start to rise above the music
Dancers whirl in frenzied abandon
making this your final chance to escape
Music shrieks, hands of demonic dancers
clawing clothing to shred, tear at fragile skin
Malevolent grins leer at you in triumph,
now caught by an arm around your neck
Surrounded, pressed in with no quarter
freedom seems fantastic, too far away
Your last swan song, going down fighting
screaming, wailing until you suffocate
The hall shakes, chandeliers fall, walls crack
hellions hurrying to exit but are trapped
There is no way out, to escape the cries
stemming from your heart, sacred holy soul
Your throat is raw, tear-choked, silent
as hideous fiends fall to their knees
Clutching the last gasps of miserable lives
before falling lifeless to the dance floor
Silence falls over everything, achingly peaceful
The doors to the hall open, you are now free
Battered, bloody, you lift your tattered skirts,
walking through the opened doors into the sun
You have escaped Hell - a feat beyond description
Dancing with demons, you'd all but given up hope
Near surrender, barely escaping eternity in Hell
Nothing is freer than a cry from a broken soul
No choice remains, you must go
Darkness has fallen, delay no more!
Tonight you dance with demons
The hall is at capacity, every monster
impatiently waiting- honored guest
You indescribable, exquisite mortal,
dance like your soul depends upon it
They will try to force you to submit
these tempting devils you dance with
offering to end your pain, right this instant
Surrender sweetly, darling... just let go
Move lightly, don’t miss a step
stay with the beat, keep smiling
Little time remains, make the call
You haven’t been trapped just yet
Bells toll the hour, it is Midnight!
Cries start to rise above the music
Dancers whirl in frenzied abandon
making this your final chance to escape
Music shrieks, hands of demonic dancers
clawing clothing to shred, tear at fragile skin
Malevolent grins leer at you in triumph,
now caught by an arm around your neck
Surrounded, pressed in with no quarter
freedom seems fantastic, too far away
Your last swan song, going down fighting
screaming, wailing until you suffocate
The hall shakes, chandeliers fall, walls crack
hellions hurrying to exit but are trapped
There is no way out, to escape the cries
stemming from your heart, sacred holy soul
Your throat is raw, tear-choked, silent
as hideous fiends fall to their knees
Clutching the last gasps of miserable lives
before falling lifeless to the dance floor
Silence falls over everything, achingly peaceful
The doors to the hall open, you are now free
Battered, bloody, you lift your tattered skirts,
walking through the opened doors into the sun
You have escaped Hell - a feat beyond description
Dancing with demons, you'd all but given up hope
Near surrender, barely escaping eternity in Hell
Nothing is freer than a cry from a broken soul
Published 18th Dec 2019
Author's Note
Based on a recurring dream I had for years as a teenager, this is my attempt to process and move on.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I was just going to say before I saw your notation, reads like a horrific dream. I've had a couple that have come close to such, but thankfully never recurring.
"The time has come, it is here and now"
I think if you drop "it is" Stanza 1 will read even more amazing.
An emdash after Lines 6 and 13 might be in order.
"Move lightly, don’t miss a step"
Consider "misstep" ...? See how it reads and decide.
"Bells toll the hour, it is midnight"
I feel here you could use more emphasis.
"Bells toll the hour - it's Midnight!"
"claw at your clothing, tear at your skin"
A trim perhaps ( use have 3 instances of "your" in this stanza ).
"claw at clothing, tear at skin"
"The doors to the hall open, you are now free"
Again, more emphasis - this is another turning point.
"Hall doors open - you are now free!"
My final suggestion is to replace "demons" here and there with a synonym for some variation.
You've captured the feel of an EPIC poem here. It just needs a little finesse is all to get the wordiness down and emotion/urgency quality up . Well done!
"The time has come, it is here and now"
I think if you drop "it is" Stanza 1 will read even more amazing.
An emdash after Lines 6 and 13 might be in order.
"Move lightly, don’t miss a step"
Consider "misstep" ...? See how it reads and decide.
"Bells toll the hour, it is midnight"
I feel here you could use more emphasis.
"Bells toll the hour - it's Midnight!"
"claw at your clothing, tear at your skin"
A trim perhaps ( use have 3 instances of "your" in this stanza ).
"claw at clothing, tear at skin"
"The doors to the hall open, you are now free"
Again, more emphasis - this is another turning point.
"Hall doors open - you are now free!"
My final suggestion is to replace "demons" here and there with a synonym for some variation.
You've captured the feel of an EPIC poem here. It just needs a little finesse is all to get the wordiness down and emotion/urgency quality up . Well done!
18th Dec 2019 2:39pm
I went back and made a good few changes based on your critique - thank you! When this piece has settled a bit, I may go back and make more.
The one suggestion - to change 'miss a step' to misstep - while I can logically see it, I feel it would be inaccurate? For some reason, 'misstep' feels like making a mistake unrelated to dancing. I could well be overthinking it - another good reason to leave this piece be for a bit.
Also, while I did change the punctuation to the emdashes as suggested, it is not a form of punctuation I am too familiar with, I only hope I used it properly.
Thank you, again, for your critique. I cannot appreciate it enough because it is completely about the work, without a hint of subjectivity. It is incredible.
Blessings, Silence
The one suggestion - to change 'miss a step' to misstep - while I can logically see it, I feel it would be inaccurate? For some reason, 'misstep' feels like making a mistake unrelated to dancing. I could well be overthinking it - another good reason to leave this piece be for a bit.
Also, while I did change the punctuation to the emdashes as suggested, it is not a form of punctuation I am too familiar with, I only hope I used it properly.
Thank you, again, for your critique. I cannot appreciate it enough because it is completely about the work, without a hint of subjectivity. It is incredible.
Blessings, Silence
