Adopted Mom

I remember how you towered over me
Anger in your face; never knowing what I did
I tried so hard to obey your laws
Gave up pants, watched what you allowed
Poured my heart and very soul into Christianity
Bent my will, my pain and broke my soul
Trying to earn a smile, trying to make you see
That it was worth you saving me from fostercare
No matter your reasons, no matter why you did it
My trauma ran deep and you may have been a narcissist
I may have been your scape goat
Your perfect punching bag
High, mighty, holy in your righteousness
Determined to beat it into my head I had no soul
Determined to kill the love I had for my mother
Over and over telling me she didn't want me
That if she had she would have given up the drugs
Over and over again my mind plays these memories
I dream more of your reign in my life
Than the man who put a knife in my mother's head
You tore down my self esteem and how you
Convinced me I was the monster not you
I'd beg on my knees, you on your throne
For just a kindness, for forgiveness for my sins
Over and over I remember your hands
Hitting me and telling me how evil I was
That no matter what I did God would never love me
I remember when I was 16 years old
I knelt beside your chair, My spot
I told you I loved her... Carefully
Oh, the icy cold look on your face
The way you left me there once more on the floor
You left your throne to grab a knife
And with coldness put it in my hand
And told me, your suicidal adopted daughter,
To kill myself because it would be better
To go to Hell because I killed myself
Than to go to Hell a lesbian whore
Sometimes I wish I had never told you
That I had just left things alone...
But that day something broke in me
I did what was best for me for the first time
I left home... Went back into fostercare
Went back to a home worse than yours
Because they never told me to kill myself
I still wonder why you couldn't love me...