Im not okay part 2

Don’t you think Jeff , that sometimes the only way to heal our wounds is to make peace with the demons that created them...? There’s this one moment that you either come together or fall apart , nature always has away of balancing itself... the only question is ... what part do you play?
My problem mate is that no body hates me more than I do...
I’m just a scared little boy always wanting to be alone cause I don’t feel worthy of being loved at all... so I leave everybody till everybody leaves me... mommy , daddy, granny ... even you ... yes you reading my pain ...
I know how dead i am inside... how worthless I feel... how I look in a mirror and hate what I see....
see the difference between you and me is that you see the light at the end of this ugly depressing tunnel... I don’t !
I wanna die... I know its ugly but it’s the truth... I don’t think I deserve to be saved at all...
Jeff, do you really have that low of an opinion of yourself? Yes... I am nothing ... I need some help... please ... for I am helpless ... i do not matter ...
Jeff nobody can save you , because you don’t wanna be saved... man how can you care so little about yourself?
How... I ... feel... inside me.... gosh.... I wish I couldn’t feel anything ...
Jeff you are not a child.
I never was...
Jeff I know you had a complicated upbringing.... but don’t confuse me with your folks... Jeff you are too scared to trust... but you are scared of nothing ...
I don’t trust anyone.
Your paranoid mind where no one can be trusted , where does it end ?
There is no end!!!
Love I needed ... but it has broken me...
Jeff you mate are the architect of your own unhappiness...
Wait .... wait ... how can that be , when I have no clue of what happiness is... I’ve never felt it... never had it ... all I know is pain ... and despair ...
Jeff what about a family ... a wife ... or child ? That could give you something that you never had... unconditional love... hope...
LOOK AT ME !!! I am Broken!
... Jeff the mere definition of the word, suggests that it can be fixed...
Grr you are like a stupid man rolling a stone up an endless mountain...
No mountain is endless Jeff ... some are just steeper than others ... I’ve seen you Jeff , I see you ... you’ve dedicated yourself to everyone but yourself ... you are a sentimental fool...
Thing is ... me , I know I am a freak and sooner or later everyone is going to leave me ... cause ever since I was a child , all I had was me... I had to be a brother , and a father and a mother to myself! So looking out for me.. has been my job you know... and that wasn’t fair ... mom left me... I was tied to a tree by the neck like a dog... !!! I was ... I was just an infant ... I could barely crawl ... now i barely feel anything at all... is that called losing a soul? Uhggg!!! I can’t do this alone... but that’s all I can and know I can be...
Jeff ... Jeff but I can’t let you go.... I can’t ... I love you ... you’re me... I can’t live without you... you are all I have ... i hate you ... I really hate you but you are all I have Jeff and all I know ... that’s why I love you ... beside all the trauma and bad and darkness ... there is a lot of good in you that is just to much to over look ... you make life worth living for others ... you bring joy and laughter in their eyes... and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you ... so don’t you dare , think that there is anything past or present that I would put in front of you! It’s never been like that... I need you to see that! ... I’m begging 🥺 you... all I know is we are all we’ve got.... we keep each other human... there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you...
You don’t know how many times depression takes what’s best about you and just rips it out ... the worst part is ,that it never really dies ... and you keep wishing it would ... it would make it so much easier .... but it just sits there ... sick and hurting ... every time that you think it’s gone ... every time you think you can’t die inside anymore ... you just do... and it feels like the first time all over again...
Jeff there’s something you’ve got to do...
yeah ... what ?
Forgive yourself...
That isn’t as easy as it sounds .... I’m done with life
Says my perspicacious mind