suicide

TW; suicide, depression
 When I’m suicidal I write suicide notes that I won’t actually send and then I lay on the bathroom floor crying til it passes.

Dearest (name),
You make me so happy. Everything you do, you treat me like a princess. You protect me as best as you can from everything. One thing that is hard to protect me from is my own head. Mostly because I don’t let anybody into it. And the voices and thoughts fester inside constantly like a swarm of relentless gnats. Picking everything apart no matter how tired I am, shouting distorted hate in my ears and shining the brightest light on every imperfect detail. I hate the thought that this phenomenon not only tears me down but it tears down the people I love the most.. that it tears you down. I can’t live with that. I don’t want to tear you down and hurt you. You deserve so much better. If I could I’d make the world your stage because maybe you’d enjoy it more. If I could I’d get rid of all the deli ham in the world because you hate it. If I could I’d scratch your back and trace my fingers on your body til my hands fell off if that’s what you needed. Some nights I lay awake feeling physically ill because the thought of not being enough for you makes me want to shed my skin and crumble into dust. The anxiety eats me more and more everyday because I know you want to take blame for my pain and my issues that are purely my fault. Truth is it’s me not thinking I’m good enough that is actually pushing you away. Once again I’ve managed to self sabotage something so good for me. I don’t know how I do it. I just try to go with the flow of things and stay calm and suddenly everybody around me hurts. I feel like I should be restrained. Maybe it’s not true that everybody is meant for love. Maybe no matter how much I want it and feel it and want to give it, I’m too toxic. I just don’t want to hurt you anymore. And this may sting for a bit.. I know it might really hurt you and I’m so so sorry. But I think in the long run it’s best for you and everybody else. Maybe instead of these problems always coming from me time and time again we can just get them all out of the way and get them all over with at once. I love you. Please don’t doubt that. I don’t want to leave you. I know you don’t want to leave me. But I don’t feel like I exist at times. I feel like I’m a fish in a tiny fish bowl and everybody else is outside. Talking, moving, engaging and acting and discovering and living and you’re the one kid interested enough to stand there with your nose pressed against the glass, admiring me when all I do is swim in circles; because no matter how trapped I feel I’m just a fish in a bowl. And that’s not something I could change. You deserve somebody who doesn’t pull you away from the world just to have you watch them swim in circles. You deserve somebody who doesn’t make you scared. You deserve somebody who is confident, who is brave, who is strong, who doesn’t make you scared to open up or who makes you feel like you’re invincible. I just don’t know what else to do. I know I’m splitting and it won’t last forever but this happens on a daily basis, and there’s only so much of this I can take. It takes everything out of me when I split black. I know you don’t hate me but I feel like you do. I know I’m not worthless but I feel like I am. I know things aren’t my fault but I feel like they are. I know I can do what I want in life but I don’t feel like I know how. It’s an internal battle everyday and no matter how hard I try to fight it and explain it; nobody understands and they think I’m just too stubborn to change. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, I’m trying my very best. But it hurts and I can’t breathe and I’m so tired of pretending like everything is okay, if not to convince others then to convince myself. And I don’t want people to keep feeling drained every time I fall like this. I don’t want people to think I’m some liability, I don’t want people to blame themselves and I don’t want people to think it’s their fault they can’t just grab me by the shoulders and shake me like an etch a sketch til all the problems disappear and I’m fixed. I think a lot of the pain I can handle. But knowing that somehow no matter how hard I try to internalize things, that it’s hurting other people.. I can’t live with that. Like my existence is the source of pain and fear and anger and frustration and sadness for so many people.. if this is a daily pain for me it must be a daily pain for others too. That isn’t okay. I love you. I wanted to drive around aimlessly with you. I wanted to forever tease you and kiss you and pretend like I’m mad at you so you’ll kiss me back and laugh. I wanted to have a home with you. I wanted to spend holidays with you. I wanted to support you on your music journey and take photos of you performing to brag about to everyone. I wanted to see how you’d propose. I wanted to spend nights up late crying while you wiped my tears because planning a wedding is stressful. I wanted to marry you. Idk maybe just run off and get married; I don’t care I just wanted to be yours forever. I wanted to beg you to drive at 2 in the morning to get me weird foods because I’m pregnant and miserable and damn it I want a cheeseburger. I wanted to wash the dishes with you. I wanted to crowd our walls in posters and pictures.. I wanted to sleep in on rainy Saturdays with you, my cold feet pressed against you. I wanted to hug you on nights like tonight where I feel hopeless; because when the dark starts to pull me in, you always know how to fight it for me. But that’s the thing. It’s not your job to do that. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. It’s not fair. I want to scream. And I’m sorry. I know, you hate it when I say sorry. But this time, I think it’s a good enough reason to say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry we couldn’t have those things. I wanted them almost more than anything. The only thing I want more is for you to be happy. Truly happy. I don’t want you to have to numb out with drugs or ride the feelings of a high just to be okay. I don’t want you to have to run away and hide just to survive. I wish I could take any of your pain or indifference away. I wish you could feel the way you want to feel. I don’t know how to give that to you. I feel like the more I try the more I make things worse. And I think that’s how things have been my whole life. If I try, I’m hurting others. If I don’t try, I’m hurting others. Like I said. I’m just a fish in a bowl. And you deserve somebody who can give you beyond that, give you the whole world. I love you (name). I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I can’t say it enough. I don’t want to stop saying it but if I really do then I need to stop.. I love you.

-ken