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Trapped In A Religious Sect, Simeon's Story
His joints ached from the cold. Crunching up the empty coke can, he tossed it into the bin with a perfect throw and left the park.
He walked up Church Street and turned onto the High Street, chest tight with anger.
He didn’t like wandering around searching for people, as it reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave, a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives.
He’d ended up by the fair marquee in the middle of the seaside resort, sweaty and thirsty and hungry. Holidaymakers had turned to stare at him. Children enjoying candyfloss and ice cream and cans of fizzy drink. The kids had giggled, amused by his shabby, old-fashioned clothing and the scruffy sandals on his feet.
But the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back, despite their promises. They’d abandoned him.
He walked up Church Street and turned onto the High Street, chest tight with anger.
He didn’t like wandering around searching for people, as it reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave, a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives.
He’d ended up by the fair marquee in the middle of the seaside resort, sweaty and thirsty and hungry. Holidaymakers had turned to stare at him. Children enjoying candyfloss and ice cream and cans of fizzy drink. The kids had giggled, amused by his shabby, old-fashioned clothing and the scruffy sandals on his feet.
But the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back, despite their promises. They’d abandoned him.
Published 21st Nov 2019
Author's Note
A Fictional Depiction Of Abandonment from a previous novel, unpublished, Dark Whispers, a psychological thriller
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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This is so sad.
onto [the] High Street ( do you need 'the'? Is High the street name; or, just a reference? )
Your books are on my purchase list when I get through my latest project!
onto [the] High Street ( do you need 'the'? Is High the street name; or, just a reference? )
Your books are on my purchase list when I get through my latest project!
22nd Nov 2019 10:01pm
Thanks very much, Ahsvati. Not sure about whether to add the to High Street; I have a feeling it's allowed.
Hope all is well with you.
Hope all is well with you.
22nd Nov 2019 5:31am
22nd Nov 2019 10:01pm
24th Nov 2019 1:12pm
Engaging as always, Lozz.
"He didn’t like wandering around searching for people, as it reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave, a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives."
I'm suggesting this arrangement because you initiated 3 consecutive paragraphs with "he". It also elaborates on the dislike.
"Wandering around searching for people reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave - a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives. It a was memory most unsettling."
==============44
"But the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back, despite their promises. They’d abandoned him."
Consider rearranging this.
"Despite promises to, the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back.
They’d abandoned him."
Pause for emphasis.
"He didn’t like wandering around searching for people, as it reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave, a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives."
I'm suggesting this arrangement because you initiated 3 consecutive paragraphs with "he". It also elaborates on the dislike.
"Wandering around searching for people reminded him of how he’d run along the Dorset cove in the middle of a heat wave - a boy of eight looking for an elderly gentleman and their wife, eager for news on estranged relatives. It a was memory most unsettling."
==============44
"But the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back, despite their promises. They’d abandoned him."
Consider rearranging this.
"Despite promises to, the elderly gentleman and his wife never came back.
They’d abandoned him."
Pause for emphasis.
24th Nov 2019 9:18pm
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Dec 2019 12:45pm
24th Nov 2019 3:08pm
<< post removed >>
24th Nov 2019 9:19pm
24th Nov 2019 10:15pm
Another piece of wonderful melancholic prose L...nice my friend.
Balance & Harmony...Harry
Balance & Harmony...Harry
24th Nov 2019 11:54pm
