deepundergroundpoetry.com
Abandoned summer
The wet-sap sunlight of spring
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
sparking life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
But summer was just a light shower, held
at bay by the thickening coat of a lamb.
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight amidst the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
and summer is just a last cut of the grass
before the lawnmower clumps and stalls.
I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,
filling fields with silence, deep enough
to drop small birds from a sleeping branch.
and summer's just a shout downstairs
for the warmth of a hot-water bottle.
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
sparking life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
But summer was just a light shower, held
at bay by the thickening coat of a lamb.
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight amidst the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
and summer is just a last cut of the grass
before the lawnmower clumps and stalls.
I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,
filling fields with silence, deep enough
to drop small birds from a sleeping branch.
and summer's just a shout downstairs
for the warmth of a hot-water bottle.
Published 19th Nov 2019
| Edited 20th Nov 2019
Author's Note
Summer....if you blink you miss it.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 4
reads 348
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Nov 2019 12:28pm
"The wet-sap sunlight of spring
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
that sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps."
I want to interpret the monsters as shadows.
"I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,"
This is just wonderful imagery.
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
that sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps."
I want to interpret the monsters as shadows.
"I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,"
This is just wonderful imagery.
20th Nov 2019 00:50am
Really appreciate the feedback and your interpretation, I was trying to compare spring the giver of life to Frankenstein but banishing shadows of winter is much more poetic so Ill have a think. Much appreciated
19th Nov 2019 8:26pm
The wet-sap sunlight of spring
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
[that] sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
I literally died at the alliteration of L1! Fantastic, RL. The only suggestion I have is removing 'that' and altering the tense of sparks to sparking. That i would play right into the assonance of the stanza beautifully ( not to mention the consonance of the n & g! ).
But summer was just a light shower, held
at bay by the thickening coat of a lamb.
SWOOOOON ^
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight [amongst] the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
BREATHTAKING IMAGERY! Would you consider changing amongst to amid? I realize the o in amongst plays into the assonance of the verse; however, you already have so much of that - I thought "Trees fight amid the mist. . ." would contribute to some wonderful i assonance ( not to mention the m consonance! )
and summer is just a last cut of the grass
before the lawnmower clumps and stalls.
Nice! ^
I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,
filling fields with silence, deep enough
to drop small birds from a sleeping branch.
Holy Mother of God - I am brought to mind of frozen birds whose time has come. And the deep silence only a dead cold can emit.
and summer's just a shout downstairs
for the warmth of a hot-water bottle.
Yes! You brought it home to all being human.
This is beautiful work, RL.
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
[that] sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
I literally died at the alliteration of L1! Fantastic, RL. The only suggestion I have is removing 'that' and altering the tense of sparks to sparking. That i would play right into the assonance of the stanza beautifully ( not to mention the consonance of the n & g! ).
But summer was just a light shower, held
at bay by the thickening coat of a lamb.
SWOOOOON ^
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight [amongst] the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
BREATHTAKING IMAGERY! Would you consider changing amongst to amid? I realize the o in amongst plays into the assonance of the verse; however, you already have so much of that - I thought "Trees fight amid the mist. . ." would contribute to some wonderful i assonance ( not to mention the m consonance! )
and summer is just a last cut of the grass
before the lawnmower clumps and stalls.
Nice! ^
I'm not sure Winter knows, it only thinks itself
pretty, polishing lakes with its still breath,
filling fields with silence, deep enough
to drop small birds from a sleeping branch.
Holy Mother of God - I am brought to mind of frozen birds whose time has come. And the deep silence only a dead cold can emit.
and summer's just a shout downstairs
for the warmth of a hot-water bottle.
Yes! You brought it home to all being human.
This is beautiful work, RL.
20th Nov 2019 00:46am
The wet-sap sunlight of spring
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
[that] sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
The only suggestion I have is removing 'that' and altering the tense of sparks to sparking. That i would play right into the assonance of the stanza beautifully ( not to mention the consonance of the n & g!
GREAT SUGGESTION i WILL TAKE THAT, THANK YOU
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight [amongst] the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
Would you consider changing amongst to amid? I realize the o in amongst plays into the assonance of the verse; however, you already have so much of that - I thought "Trees fight amid the mist. . ." would contribute to some wonderful i assonance ( not to mention the m consonance! )
YES I WILL TAKE THAT ALSO, AND YES I GET IT IT NEEDS DIALING BACK A NOTCH, THANKS AGAIN
I am brought to mind of frozen birds whose time has come. And the deep silence only a dead cold can emit.
GREAT FEEDBACK THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR SO REALLY PLEASED
Really appreciate you taking the time over this one, its a new poem so needs some work but all your suggestions are now in the poem.
slowly warms a bimetallic switch
[that] sparks life into every waiting monster,
stretched arms and heavy new born steps.
The only suggestion I have is removing 'that' and altering the tense of sparks to sparking. That i would play right into the assonance of the stanza beautifully ( not to mention the consonance of the n & g!
GREAT SUGGESTION i WILL TAKE THAT, THANK YOU
Autumn licks the back of its transfers
and sticks decay onto cobblestones.
Trees fight [amongst] the mist to reveal their rouge
knowing their blush will soon be removed.
Would you consider changing amongst to amid? I realize the o in amongst plays into the assonance of the verse; however, you already have so much of that - I thought "Trees fight amid the mist. . ." would contribute to some wonderful i assonance ( not to mention the m consonance! )
YES I WILL TAKE THAT ALSO, AND YES I GET IT IT NEEDS DIALING BACK A NOTCH, THANKS AGAIN
I am brought to mind of frozen birds whose time has come. And the deep silence only a dead cold can emit.
GREAT FEEDBACK THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR SO REALLY PLEASED
Really appreciate you taking the time over this one, its a new poem so needs some work but all your suggestions are now in the poem.
