deepundergroundpoetry.com
Amen and Amen
You bedazzle me, with your
sequined smile.
Your rich patina, drags me
through your tarnished layers,
of lies
Deceit looking back at me, as I
gnaw on your fucked up ways,
like a starving dog chewing,
on its own leg .
Like some sick act of obedience,
I sit, by your side waiting, for
you to vomit more hatred.
To relish in it, as you wait, to
hear me say,
amen, followed by, amen
sequined smile.
Your rich patina, drags me
through your tarnished layers,
of lies
Deceit looking back at me, as I
gnaw on your fucked up ways,
like a starving dog chewing,
on its own leg .
Like some sick act of obedience,
I sit, by your side waiting, for
you to vomit more hatred.
To relish in it, as you wait, to
hear me say,
amen, followed by, amen
Published 18th Nov 2019
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likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 85
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Nov 2019 11:27pm
This is a very powerful poem and testament to how far someone will go when obsessed with another person, and the detriment is causes to self. Very powerful.
In the spirit of requesting honest critique, which I'd like to honor, I would suggest a punctuation edit; the commas interfere with the flow for me.
You bedazzle me with your
sequined smile.
Your rich patina drags me
through your tarnished layers
of lies
Deceit looking back at me, as I
gnaw on your fucked up ways,
[as] a starving dog chewing (<- you use 'Like' below. If you used 'as' here, you would pick up som nice alliteration with a, as well as consonance of the s throughout the stanza ).
on its own leg .
Like some sick act of obedience,
I sit, by your side waiting
for you to vomit more hatred.
To relish in it, as you wait
to hear me say,
amen, followed by
amen
All I did was remove commas which I felt interfered with the read, and adjust enjambments to contribute a smoother flow. Please remember that critique, with the exception of proper grammar, spelling, etc ( unless intentional for dialect purposes ) is largely opinion. You are the final word when it comes to your own poem.
And this one is a powerful testament to check ourselves first.
Welcome to the deep side.
In the spirit of requesting honest critique, which I'd like to honor, I would suggest a punctuation edit; the commas interfere with the flow for me.
You bedazzle me with your
sequined smile.
Your rich patina drags me
through your tarnished layers
of lies
Deceit looking back at me, as I
gnaw on your fucked up ways,
[as] a starving dog chewing (<- you use 'Like' below. If you used 'as' here, you would pick up som nice alliteration with a, as well as consonance of the s throughout the stanza ).
on its own leg .
Like some sick act of obedience,
I sit, by your side waiting
for you to vomit more hatred.
To relish in it, as you wait
to hear me say,
amen, followed by
amen
All I did was remove commas which I felt interfered with the read, and adjust enjambments to contribute a smoother flow. Please remember that critique, with the exception of proper grammar, spelling, etc ( unless intentional for dialect purposes ) is largely opinion. You are the final word when it comes to your own poem.
And this one is a powerful testament to check ourselves first.
Welcome to the deep side.
0 
20th Nov 2019 11:41pm
Thank you so much I do appreciate it I have always needed an editor so I appreciate your opinion very much
21st Nov 2019 5:57pm
