Mr. Columbian

Love the play on words :) these are fun writes...I have done one as well. Good Job

Thanks! It was fun to write!

Hi Raorrick...
 
I see above you ask for honest critique, I hope you won't be too disapointed if I lay it on thick for you...
 
You have a unique concept in this write with a delightful storyline and a wonderful opportunity to lay a punch. So you will understand that it is my love for what you are doing that I reply in detail.
 
I regularly do the "red end" (as I call it) in my work, and it sometimes rocks boats and sometimes falls flat... so I study these surprise ending poems in an attemp to get it perfect.
 
I think you loose the reader sort of 1/4 way through the read, by lack of set up, I also think that the format of two line stanzas makes the piece a little chunky, so when we get to the the end, it's like "so why is she drinking coffee" rather than "BWAH! This is an ode' to coffee." Your title is very clever and I do think you could incorporate it more...  
 
Storyline is important in these writes for the set up to work. Who, Why, What, How?
 
This is all opinion and well take it or leave it but I do believe that this could become the special one in your catalogue.  
 
Much Love and Blue Skies

I am thrilled that you gave me an honest critique. All of the comments I get are positive, and I often wonder, are they just being nice? So it is refreshing to see some one tell it to me straight. I want to be great at this.

You are right. I didn't feel the punch at the end that I wanted to. The "ohhhh, she is talking about coffee, not sex" didn't really come through like I wanted. I know I can make this better with a story type of tale. I see what you mean by the two line stanzas.  

It was 1 in the am and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to write this. I think it has potential, but I am not sure if I care about it enough to fix it, or just crinkle it up and toss it. It was just a quick write.

Feel free to honestly critique ANY of my work. I enjoy a lashing every so often. ;)

I felt all the way through it was not going to be about sex, but I never thought it was going to be about coffee, I thought it was about smoking weed, lol... Since I have never drank coffee, but do love caffeine, I understand now, as I survive on diet Mountain Dew these days. In my youth I smoked pot with friends all too often and gave it up after college, but the imagery here reminded me of it. So you still got me, lol.
I consume so much caffeine during the day I have trouble falling asleep, so I start drinking diet orange soda at 8pm, lol. The stores were closed on Christmas day so I ran out of Mt Dew and woke up yesterday morning trembling from withdrawl and with a headache pain killers did not help. I went to the store, bought a six pack of Dew and drank a 24 ounce tall one, warm off the shelf in about 2 minutes flat. I sat there for 15 minutes afterwards before I stopped shakiing, lol. I am so much an addict. jj

Ha! Okay, so my set up wasn't great. It's a dud. I may work on this another time. :)

I actually have caffeine running through my veins...instead of blood...so I understand that. I live on coffee, and when I am just too hot to drink another cup...I drink Mt. Dew. However, I am a nurse in a hospital and am constantly running, and they sadly don't sell Mt. Dew, so I have to remember to bring my own, or just drink cold coffee...bleh.

I must say, I have never shook from withdrawl. That is a serious addiction! I always panic on Christmas because Wal-Mart is closed the WHOLE day. Ugh! Tragedy.

well your set up is fine, the reason I didn't think it was about sex is because it felt like you were trying to make us think it was about sex, and whenever I hear a song or read a poem or see a movie and it feels like I am being lead down a certain pathway, I can feel it and then start wondering where we are really going. In my old age, my pessimism tells me to look at the obvious and peek behind the curtain, cos the all powerful Oz is never who he appears to be. I'm pretty sure no one else was thinking pot, lol.

I like that you see life through different eyes, kinda like the photo you have chosen for your profile. I bet some people see a rose, but that's not what I see.... JJ

i'm not an experienced or studied poet so don't take my comment too seriously cause i don't know much about poetry but know what i like....i enjoyed the read. it reminds me of some of my writing just the reverse..good luck.

Well thank you. I am not experienced or studied either. Glad you liked it :)

Lol, thank you!

Yes, I often say that I have coffee running through my veins, rather than blood...I truly believe this. :)

What I would take to a deserted Island?
A Starbucks franchise!!!

I LOVE early morn coffee, Costa Rican or Sumatra from Indonesia. I never thought of coffee as sultry or seductive but coffee now lives in the world of sultry. :)

Anything that changes my perception is sultry to me :)

Thanks for stopping by for a read :D

XxXx