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Hindsight Is Razor-Sharp

alone today,  
itís my own fault  
gaining the kind of clarity    
only loss can bring;  
hindsight is razor-sharp  
clocking in at 20/15  
† † † †  
dysfunction is a greedy bitch,  
her bedside manner† † †
left you speechless;  
for what itís worth  
she left me without words †
to reassure you;  
my own dis-ease wanted  
center stage,† † † † †
and I selfishly gave it † † †  
to her, every time;  
new to real love, †
itís my fault  
and you should know † †
that I know,  
not that you donít already

warnings ignored † †
what was I thinking?† †
understanding implored,† †
but how could I ask† † † † †  
for  
so  
much† † †  
grace † † †
when I had none † † † †  
on offer for you? † †
my belly is so ashamed† † †
of me, for once;  
it wonít let me feed it,  
the pain is palpable,  
a solid thing;  
honesty pouring in  
from every direction; † † †
it brings me fully present † † †
and shines †
itís focused rays † † †
squarely in my face;† † † †
nowhere to run or hide † †
from my truth,† †
itís time to  
let the beams† † † † † † †
expose me for †
who Iíve really been † †
not who I wanted to be,  
I talked too much † †  
to take any real steps;† † † † †
and now Iím left † † † † † †  
deservedly  
with nothing but † † † †
my own words  
echoing out from  
the dark spot  
that used to† † † †  
bathe in your sunshine† † †
†  
fear ruled the goddess† † †
who forgot †  
her own power;  
excuses, not reasons  
for avoiding what scared me  
and you, my fierce dragon  
with your uppercase Love  
scared  
the shit out of me;  
I have so much to give you,  
but I held on to it,  
desperately;  
my greedy claws digging in,  
afraid youíd take  
and run off with it;  
the irony is,† † † † †  
Iíd give anything †  
to place it all in your hands  
right now,  
the ones I left empty  
at every turn †

funny,  
Iím no longer afraid;  
too little, too late,  
my wings threaten  
to burst  
from the scars on my back  
where I clipped them  
so many times before  
with my own shears;  
no matter what comes,  
I will always be thankful  
to you,  
for the freedom  
I now know is  
my future;  
reasonable solutions  
present themselves  
without the overshadowing  
of my dramatic,  
all-or-nothing  
characteristic flaw  
when grief  
clears  
the way;  
you showed me  
the door,† † † †
I needed only take your hand  
with a firm grip  
to make it through,  
instead of my loose hold †
bound in prophecy; †
I ended up fulfilling  
it all on my own  
†  
you were so good to me,  
better than I hoped for,  
far more than I deserved; †
the silence left in your wake  
is ear-splitting;  
in the end I know  
if I could have  
just for a moment† † †
stepped back,  
and not tried to make you  
bear the burden † † † †
of the others,  
those who had come to take †
and never to give;  
no,  
not when you climbed †
down  
from your own towers †
without the safety † † † †
of a net; † †  
not when you came† †
ready to sacrifice  
yourself in whole, †
to be burned alive  
by this Ariesí fire  
if only to be nearby;† † † †
the cosmic enormity  
of your Love† † †  
on full display,† †
while we traversed† †
the rough terrain  
between here  
and our paradise;  

you did everything† † † †
you could,† † † † †
my heart  
loves you with† † †  
every mitochondrial split, † †
growing and duplicating  
until it threatens me,  
needing a bigger chest  
to beat inside;
like trapped butterflies,  
lightning confined † † † †
by chambers and valves, †
my actions were lazy;† †
too late I learned  
your language of love  
and realized I was  
willfully illiterate  

if only I had not  
taken advantage  
of you as † † † † †  
my safe space,† † † †
dumping my disasters † † † †
in your arms† † † † † †
lapping up the comfort  
you provided, †
then insisting  
you give me more -† †  
youíd still be here,  
sharing my calm,  
taking what you need †
from it;  
giving in return† † † † †
instead of demanding† †
you flay yourself open † † † †
to give from your marrow † † † †
so that I could feel † † † † † † †  
temporarily safe † † †
from my own  
tapes on loop; † † †
you fought yours so bravely † † †
Iím so sorry I made you† † † † †
fight mine, too † † † † † †

pride goes before the fall,  
and Iím not sure  
I could have fallen  
from any higher a horse;  
if I could have seen† † † †
your courage † † † † †
for the sacrifice it was,† † † † †
been determined to show you  
what I feel,† † † †
made it my mission to give† †
what you gave freely, † † † † † † †
youíd still be here,† † † † † † † † †
we would still be Ours;  
weíd still be in here,  
and I wouldnít† †  
be spending this day  
without you  
LunaGreyhawk
Written by LunaGreyhawk
Published
Author's Note
Whether it matters or not, you should know.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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WoundedHeart goldenmyst Honoria
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