I Guess I'm Nothing Worth Fighting For

I don't know where to begin
I never meant for it to end
I can't find the rhymes to fit it
Like muscles exposed to wind
I'm ripped from my skin
What did i expect? Communication?

And now i sit behind this desk
Just a mess
Completely wrecked
Unsure of next
My days are wept
Dying while fake smiling

Holding back the tears
Ungulfed in fear
There's no one here
Muddied unclear
Day of insincere

I've already snapped at being flirted with
Put her in her place
I must be doing my job properly
For no one to read my face

Walking through the halls with my secret
That I'm crumbled
Trapped in rubble
Trying for humble
But i stumbled
As i notice my speech is bumbled

My honey bee
My words all day have come out stuttered
Trying to respond within the moment
My mind elsewhere

All that i be
My words i pray will bring with thunder
Like I'm looking for atonement
Unable to find care

We're both aware
I'm sure we stare
Though i not dare
I'm not prepared
Too raw and bare
Like muscles exposed to wind
I sit here skinned

I cannot blame the reaction
I am understandin'
That the moment that it happened
Killed our magic
Left us tragic
God fuckin' damn it

But it was accepted
Like everything i stated was agreed
Down on my knees
Silently pleads
My broken creed
Grinding my teeth
Nervous of bleed
Stolen from deep
My willow weeps
So here i reap
That i cannot have what i need

I feel like all my pain
Was simply met with a "ok"
My day
I say
I pray
Away
This change
To stay
Apart

And every tick upon my heart
Sucks out my blood

I shall never be enough
For anyone
For any hug
For any love
To be
With me
Is just to fucking tough

I say unto myself and then i nod

Process times time
Can't rewind
Or unwind
My shine, is all but dull
I'm just awful
I'm just awful

And if all shall last
Seconds or life
I won't get past
I'm full set rife
My broken mask
No future guide
My heart attacks
Hindsight
Of me collapsed

I've always come in second
I can't help it
Past, future and present
Loving me is hectic
Lost my drive
Now i wrecked it
I'm weak and helpless
Throwing away her blessin's
How I'm pathetic
In all my presence
Siren to warn of temptress

No time has passed
But i already feel like I'm unworthy to fight for
I gave my all, i was willing to die for
But every time my name popped up
Must been an eye sore
Too much
Enough
Hit in my gut
Why am i
Continuing to try
Why for

I'm the pot burnt on the back burner
Shadowed by every other
And when i tried to show my face
All i did was smother

I followed every rule
Adapted at every turn
Unlearned
Full hurt
Left to burn
I did everything i could

I never took any precedence did i
Actions speak the loudest
And through all endured
All i tried to cure
Left to burn
But those moments are my proudest

I did everything
And you fulfilled your wish
I started this write in sorrow
But now I'm pissed

That you let me flow into the wind
After all i did
After all of me i give
And still this
Is what i get
What just happened

The only time i came first
Is when you let me leave
And here i plead
But for once
Got what i want
And i don't want it
Something to numb it
All my dumb shit

It's too cold to be outside
But it's here I'm forced to hide
Less my coworkers ask why i cry
I have no answer to my fault

I'm unable to even call
Smitten while I'm hidden
I replied to what i saw
And the comments were turned off

I did everything i was asked
Still always dismissed
And now i miss
2 years, 5 days to kiss

What is it that led me to be so horrible?
What is it that i ever did?
I devoted my entire life
I devoted all of my time
I devoted all of myself
I devoted my mental health
I devoted, i devoted
And i was always put second
Not every second
But when did i get what i needed
Without it being heeded
How was i supposed to bare it

How long was i supposed to go on
How much was i supposed to go through
And i here i vent
I'm not meaning to blame you
But am i not true
When have i been wrong to you

Seriously
More questions without answers
You don't know me
Can't control me
Too many flaws in my story

All i ever wanted was you
That's my truth
But after everything i do
I was always claimed i was unglued
Have all the proof
Still I'm cut right in two

I only ever wanted to be equal
And have it understood all i sacrifice
Because i gave up everything for you
And you didn't even have to change an aspect of your life

And when your life made it's changes i was right here through it all
To let you know you weren't alone
To lift you up so you didn't have to crawl

All i did was try to show you how beautiful you absolutely are
And any concern i ever had, painted me as wrong

Looking back
My job was to be silent
Come at the snap of fingers
Continuing to be hiding
While you still reaped your husbands rewards
And i want allowed to speak on it
Any concern i held
Was met as if you were blind sided
And when i was hit from left field
I just should've known
And held my words back
Where was my grace
My love was given unconditional
But to recieve it back came with rules
That i followed
But i always had to wait
As if it were convenient
Now I'm angry
Nothing new to you
Can't figure out why i was always confused
Can never see why I'm upset
Just me, not you
I feel abused
I feel once again used
Like every other aspect of my life
I'm never the focus
If the boxes are checked just right
I might
Get a glimpse of what I've earned
But i deserve!

I did everything i was asked
I did what was right
I held on tight
And only got back a loose grip
I'd give my life
But i knew how it is
I played by the rules that were always set
While i had none to give
I've been here since we met
Not even allowed to live
I was just a pet
But i still willingly had give
Made me feel like shit
And after everything
This is what i get
Continued silence

But strangers can bide your words
I that it seems i haven't earned
I watched you try
I understood the entire time
I've watched you love me when you could
But it's 100% all the time that i deserve

I'm a wonderful human
Who can't get it right
Anyone would be more than lucky to have me
I'm full of patience, I'm not selfish, and i never quit to try
What did i do so wrong?
That i was always made out as the bad guy
And i feel like I'm already forgotten
It seems I'm never even worth the fight

So I'll cast myself aside
I love you, goodnight