deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mindset
You're always threatening
to throw me
down a stairwell
in a one level building
on a flat world.
to throw me
down a stairwell
in a one level building
on a flat world.
Published 23rd Dec 2011
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comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Dec 2011 9:15am
23rd Dec 2011 7:18pm
Nice piece. Perhaps consider different formatting. Below is a variation that plays off the single story flatness.
You're
always threatening to throw me down a stairwell in a one level building on a flat world.
You're
always threatening to throw me down a stairwell in a one level building on a flat world.
23rd Dec 2011 11:11pm
:) thank you.
Most of the time I'm not looking for it to be visually attractive, but when it does catch attention for it to be read a certain way (whether that be uncertainly or not). I like the current formatting and how it reads in my head.
Welcome. :)
Most of the time I'm not looking for it to be visually attractive, but when it does catch attention for it to be read a certain way (whether that be uncertainly or not). I like the current formatting and how it reads in my head.
Welcome. :)
24th Dec 2011 11:35am
I like the idea of using one line.
If done this way I'd get rid of the title and
go all the way:
"You're always threatening to throw me down a stairwell in a one level building on a flat world."
But on second thought, I guess that makes it a bit literal.
Don't usually like that. :)
(but liked poem)
If done this way I'd get rid of the title and
go all the way:
"You're always threatening to throw me down a stairwell in a one level building on a flat world."
But on second thought, I guess that makes it a bit literal.
Don't usually like that. :)
(but liked poem)
23rd Dec 2011 11:17pm
it reveals more than you're aware of. that's why i love short poetry.
keep it up :)
keep it up :)
28th Dec 2012 4:26am
