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Pensive Thoughts on the Book of Ecclesiastes

My heart cries out for Redemption. I feel so bad, depressed and vulnerable. Happy moments slip by getting lost within the hectic chaos. Every emotion rushes through my mind, like a movie, the only  difference is i cannot press pause or fast forward. So it seems it plays in slow motion. Life is kind of depressing lately. I ask all the time way it seems so hard.. then i think why is it hard? I dont have it remotely as hard as so many people. I want to get lost and dive into one of my fantasy-fiction novels, taking me to a home away from "home".

God, knows my tribulation and torment. Sometimes, many a time, i think how much my life is worth to Him and what I am worth to myself. What doe sit mean> Of course it matters! Right? I mean i want so much, i have so much to give and to offer but i guess most of the time it is as if i never have a real or true opportunity to shine and show my potential. I am always scathing by. i have made a difference in the people's hearts and lives i have touched and impacted -- sometimes i wonder what that mean to them and what i did to move them so greatly and why i moved them. I still dont know and i guess i will never know.

Not knowing.. Im still struggling with that and it isnt easy to accept. GOD!All knowing all powerful, loving, merciful, amazing-- God, Jesus, Hosanna my life, my Christ.. gave it all and i'll Never understand that concept fully-- what it feels like to give That much. I can only imagine the pain. Everyday is a trying day and im constantly trying.

I try not to give up or in. I try to be as righteous as possible, I try to be as Holy as possible as my God is Holy. I try to be as patient as my Lord is patient, I try to accept the fact that I am a sinner and acknowledge the fact that i am dead in my sins. I try to be as forgiving and as merciful as possible -- and obviously i try to contain/keep my anger in check: EVERYDAY. It isnt easy at all.

"Love makes the world go around" not money. Whay do i get hurt so  often? why do i allow it? why do i take and accept so willingly?Why am i so forgiving? Why dont i care more about?What am i doing-- really? I ask a lot of questions-- most are stupid, self-absorbed,useless questions-- they mean nothing.

[Ecc 1:2} When shall i perish from this earth? What does my life even mean? where am i going? Questions and the answers only God knows; He knows my sorrows. Apparently i love my sorrows and i like to suffer... [Ecc. 7:3] makes me have a brief glimpse and feel (a slight pang of deep horrific-gruesome-anguish) Christ must have suffered at His crucifixion  (No comparison; well not a real one anyway). Growing and maturing is wisdom and understanding of what His Kingdom means. The only thing that matters is my/your/our salvation in Christ and the love we have for Him and each other. That is the beginning and the End. All we do is wait. I am forever waiting. Every generation experience the same thing nothing is new--- not yet.

[Ecc 1:9] I stare at my appearance~~ what am empty feeling. No one will ever know who i am-- the TRUE me-- only God. Each day passes by, i glorify and (try) to lift up praise to Christ. My life isnt mine, it was bought by Christ when He died for the world's sin and that His choosen might be saved. Since no one on Earth knows the future and Everyday is a new day, i also try to make it a day of its own. One day at a time. I mean.. what else is there?

I trust, believe and on most days i have faith. God loves and Jesus saves. Although i feel sad and depressed more time i know deep down im never alone and bc i trust, believe and have faith, God is there watching over me.
Written by Jordanne (RubixCube)
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