As a child I thought of bathing in bleach
In an attempt to rid my body of your fingertips
Happily I would have set my body alight
And left no trace of you on my skin.
I used to scrub until the water ran red
Trying to get rid of the flesh you seen as yours
But we both know my efforts were in vain
It was more than my body you claimed.
No matter how hard I scrubbed
Or the dark years that past,
The phantom of your hands still touches me
And you are the theme of my nightmares.
A childhood wasted hiding your dirty secret
A thousand nights spent crushed beneath the weight of your sins
Wondering why no one could see past you
And see me cowering behind.
I tried to dry out my veins
We shared a secret but that's not all
For your blood flowed through my own
Yet you never seen me as your family.
I have never forgotten the sound of your voice
Or how the stairs creaked as you came for me
At night when I close my eyes
I can still smell the sweat from the bedsheets.
You'll never know how hard fought
To forget the tattoo on your arm
Or the scar on your lip,
But it's still fresh in my mind despite it all.
The childhood nights I lay awake thinking
That when I grew up it would all be over
Maybe the fear wouldn't paralyze me,
But I was wrong, you still have that power.
On the streets when I hear your name
I freeze and I'm back in your bed
Quivering and suppressing a scream
Engulfed in your flashback reign of terror.
When it stopped I thought it was over
It didn't take long before I found out for myself
That the worst was yet to come
For now in your place my mind filled your place.
People talk about forgiveness and forgetting
But I can't forgive you for what you've done
And you made sure to leave your mark on me
So that I can never, ever forget you.
You knew it was wrong but still you did it
You lied and flashed a smile
So no one but me was non the wiser,
Planned it out in your head masterfully.
When it came to light
It was an eleven year old secret
A six year olds childhood tale
The word of a broken child against your own.
You hung your head in shame
And you pied the piper
That even when you admitted to your sins
You were rewarded and I was left to ruins.
I watched our family tear itself apart
With tears in my eyes and a grin on your face
Everything that once was whole now shattered
All because you took what wasn't yours.
The inseparable became strangers
Your bed is the coffin where my childhood sleeps
Your home is the grave haunted by my childhood self,
And when I pass it on the streets
My eyes look up to your bedroom window
As I meet the eyes of who I used to be
And beg then to forgive me
For not saving her sooner.