deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Evening Rush
the scent of evening
an autumn chill
commuters hurry home in crowded train carriages
some sitting and reading
others standing
the sun has set
the sky ebony with a hint of silver
night
the train speeds on
along track
an autumn chill
commuters hurry home in crowded train carriages
some sitting and reading
others standing
the sun has set
the sky ebony with a hint of silver
night
the train speeds on
along track
Published 28th Sep 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 0
comments 14
reads 394
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Sep 2019 11:20pm
29th Sep 2019 1:33am
Ordinary life. What a great subject for poetry. Well done Lozzamus.
regards,
buddhakitty.
regards,
buddhakitty.
29th Sep 2019 8:53pm
29th Sep 2019 3:54am
See I love every simple moments such as this. Gentle observations of man and nature interwoven throughout the day and evening.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would offer the following:
[The] Evening Rush <- do you really need the determiner here? You begin L1 with the same one.
the scent of evening
an autumn chill
commuters hurry home / < - suggest a line split
in crowded train carriages
some sitting(,) [and] reading
others standing
the sun has set
[the] sky ebony with a hint of silver <- why not personify it? It, her, his? I would love to see this stiche man and nature together.
night
the train speeds on
along track
I love the double entendre of that final line - brilliant. Along the track and on track to where it's going.
That's all I gots for you this time, Lozzamus. You really nail these simply yet astute observations.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would offer the following:
[The] Evening Rush <- do you really need the determiner here? You begin L1 with the same one.
the scent of evening
an autumn chill
commuters hurry home / < - suggest a line split
in crowded train carriages
some sitting(,) [and] reading
others standing
the sun has set
[the] sky ebony with a hint of silver <- why not personify it? It, her, his? I would love to see this stiche man and nature together.
night
the train speeds on
along track
I love the double entendre of that final line - brilliant. Along the track and on track to where it's going.
That's all I gots for you this time, Lozzamus. You really nail these simply yet astute observations.
29th Sep 2019 8:57pm
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Dec 2019 12:45pm
29th Sep 2019 9:42am
<< post removed >>
29th Sep 2019 8:58pm
Anonymous
29th Sep 2019 11:38am
Probably just me, but consider 'trains' to be the most perfect of metaphors. Commuting is one of the few things I don't miss of city life. Enjoyable read.
29th Sep 2019 9:03pm
30th Sep 2019 9:50pm
I enjoy these as much as Ahavati.
"night
the train speeds on
along track"
I actually think it would serve you better to rearrange this furniture to
"the night train
speeds along
on track"
I say this because you've already established that it is night with
"the sun has set
the sky ebony with a hint of silver"
It would also put more emphasis on the double entendre Ahavati pointed out, but not so much that it becomes blatant.
"night
the train speeds on
along track"
I actually think it would serve you better to rearrange this furniture to
"the night train
speeds along
on track"
I say this because you've already established that it is night with
"the sun has set
the sky ebony with a hint of silver"
It would also put more emphasis on the double entendre Ahavati pointed out, but not so much that it becomes blatant.
30th Sep 2019 11:11pm
1st Oct 2019 2:09am
I can hear that gentle clickety-clack as i drift off...very nice imagery L.
Cheers...Harry
Cheers...Harry
1st Oct 2019 10:41pm
Cheers, Harry. Got back to a power cut after work this evening that provoked some real and acute primitive fear. May write a poem about that next time.
