deepundergroundpoetry.com
Filthy
I took a long shower today
hot water engulfing me
ivory skin covered
in soap
but I’m still dirty
I tried scrubbing myself
in an attempt to rid myself
of this scum that sticks to me
but the sponge isn’t working
and now I’m tired of washing
this uncleanliness haunts me
and I knew I was foolish
to roll in mud
hoping to dust it off
when my mind was less cloudy
I took a long shower today
and stood there idly
listening to the water pouring
but I didn’t wash myself
I let the water burn me
hot water engulfing me
ivory skin covered
in soap
but I’m still dirty
I tried scrubbing myself
in an attempt to rid myself
of this scum that sticks to me
but the sponge isn’t working
and now I’m tired of washing
this uncleanliness haunts me
and I knew I was foolish
to roll in mud
hoping to dust it off
when my mind was less cloudy
I took a long shower today
and stood there idly
listening to the water pouring
but I didn’t wash myself
I let the water burn me
Published 26th Sep 2019
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Sep 2019 8:27pm
An amazing confessional, Traveling Fairy Person.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest isolating
but I’m still dirty
You can also comb through and remove some extraneous determiners bracketed below.
I tried scrubbing myself
in an attempt to rid myself
of [this] scum [that] st[u]ck to me
but the sponge isn’t working
and now I’m tired of [washing] 'scrubbing' would add some delicious assonance to the u sounds of scum and stuck.
I suggest isolating the 'but' lines for emphasis.
Again, truly enjoyed the confessional essence of this.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest isolating
but I’m still dirty
You can also comb through and remove some extraneous determiners bracketed below.
I tried scrubbing myself
in an attempt to rid myself
of [this] scum [that] st[u]ck to me
but the sponge isn’t working
and now I’m tired of [washing] 'scrubbing' would add some delicious assonance to the u sounds of scum and stuck.
I suggest isolating the 'but' lines for emphasis.
Again, truly enjoyed the confessional essence of this.
17th Oct 2019 5:28pm
thank you ahavati, as always for the insightful comments and critiques!
26th Sep 2019 11:59pm
The steam releases the endorphins in an attempt to regain peace. Peace to you my dear friend
17th Oct 2019 5:29pm
3rd Oct 2019 7:06pm
There is such engaging vulnerability in this write. It's candor pulls me in. Closing stanza leaves off with a strong image. Terrific write.
17th Oct 2019 5:30pm
thank you! I appreciate your kind words, this poem hit me on a whim and the flow came naturally I guess
