Content Warning : Do you want to continue?
This poem contains content which some readers may find disturbing.
It is unsuitable for children or anyone who is easily offended.
YES
I am over 18 years old, I have been warned and I still want to read this poem.
I am over 18 years old, I have been warned and I still want to read this poem.
NO
I don't want to read this type of content, take me back to the previous page.
I don't want to read this type of content, take me back to the previous page.
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:39am
Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:50am
appreciate the read and feedback, kandice :)
i wish they had an 'adult themed' thingy instead of that 'extreme content' which looks quite alarming!
i wish they had an 'adult themed' thingy instead of that 'extreme content' which looks quite alarming!
Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:59am
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 6:46am
Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 7:24am
hopefully without laying on the paint too thickly
thanks for the read/comment. appreciated.
thanks for the read/comment. appreciated.
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 7:26am
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 7:41am
Dear J,
Your ability to paint an image in such brevity is fantastic! “ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips“ I can feel the condensation on my hands. Very classy sexy write! H 🌷
Your ability to paint an image in such brevity is fantastic! “ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips“ I can feel the condensation on my hands. Very classy sexy write! H 🌷
0

Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:12pm
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 7:42am
Dear J,
Your ability to paint an image in such brevity is fantastic! “ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips“ I can feel the condensation on my hands. Very classy sexy write! H 🌷
Your ability to paint an image in such brevity is fantastic! “ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips“ I can feel the condensation on my hands. Very classy sexy write! H 🌷
0

Re. melt
I'm going to suggest, with intent to remove the repetative elements,
ice cubes melt
in lazy amber -
drip
on your tongue
as i dissolve
back against wall
thighs trembling
cheeks on fire"
I feel "against" lends to a better visual of the narrator having nowhere further to retreat, thus little choice but to let nature or chemistry or physics take over.
ice cubes melt
in lazy amber -
drip
on your tongue
as i dissolve
back against wall
thighs trembling
cheeks on fire"
I feel "against" lends to a better visual of the narrator having nowhere further to retreat, thus little choice but to let nature or chemistry or physics take over.
0

Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:17pm
hi there :)
thanks for the time and thoughts
the suggestion for those first 3 lines? to me, that creates an ambiguity, as if it were the ice-cubes in the whiskey dripping on their tongue instead of the 'emotionally frozen' person liquifying due to the situation :D reps can work sometimes, not so much at others.
'back against wall'? i'm giving that some consideration. thankyou!
thanks for the time and thoughts
the suggestion for those first 3 lines? to me, that creates an ambiguity, as if it were the ice-cubes in the whiskey dripping on their tongue instead of the 'emotionally frozen' person liquifying due to the situation :D reps can work sometimes, not so much at others.
'back against wall'? i'm giving that some consideration. thankyou!
Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:29pm
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 3:32pm
This is a journey I took with you.. zig zag in motion..
I appreciate the brevity of your poetic voice.
Very clever spill.
Yours,
Losty
I appreciate the brevity of your poetic voice.
Very clever spill.
Yours,
Losty
0

Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 5:34pm
Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 6:18pm
Hi Butters
Must concur with the brevity saying so much.
I was wondering however, L3 "ice drips" ? Here's my thought, perhaps 'droplets' with an adjective placed before it
'(hot/wet/heated, etc.) droplets'
I was thinking when ice melts, its water that drips.
Anyhow, just a thought, that didn't really detract from the overall enjoyment of the read.
on your tongue
Must concur with the brevity saying so much.
I was wondering however, L3 "ice drips" ? Here's my thought, perhaps 'droplets' with an adjective placed before it
'(hot/wet/heated, etc.) droplets'
I was thinking when ice melts, its water that drips.
Anyhow, just a thought, that didn't really detract from the overall enjoyment of the read.
on your tongue
0

Re: Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 6:46pm
thankyou for taking the time to offer your suggestions, it's always appreciated
i'll certainly take them into consideration and see if they retain what i was going for, or they may improve it!
repetition of sound was intended to create several effects: cohesion between lines that move between the image of ice cubes in a whiskey glass and a woman 'melting' on the tongue of her lover; the brevity of thought processes involved in that moment by using (for the most part) monosyllabic words.
word reps were intended to echo the repetitive action of a tongue slowly licking
the difference in the short, small sounds and the longer ones (melts/drips etc v lazy amber) are there to underline the opposite natures of the lovers in this piece, how intoxicating lazy amber can make even the most frozen change states :)
i'll certainly take them into consideration and see if they retain what i was going for, or they may improve it!
repetition of sound was intended to create several effects: cohesion between lines that move between the image of ice cubes in a whiskey glass and a woman 'melting' on the tongue of her lover; the brevity of thought processes involved in that moment by using (for the most part) monosyllabic words.
word reps were intended to echo the repetitive action of a tongue slowly licking
the difference in the short, small sounds and the longer ones (melts/drips etc v lazy amber) are there to underline the opposite natures of the lovers in this piece, how intoxicating lazy amber can make even the most frozen change states :)
Re: Re. melt
19th Sep 2019 3:53pm
I now understand your thoughts when writing this, and appreciate your taking time to explain them.
It's difficult, at times, for the reader to comprehend the reason behind wording a piece in a particular fashion without having to explain.
I've ran across this myself, as most have probably, when asking for honest critique.
It's difficult, at times, for the reader to comprehend the reason behind wording a piece in a particular fashion without having to explain.
I've ran across this myself, as most have probably, when asking for honest critique.
0

Re. melt
18th Sep 2019 7:26pm
this was gooooood: I think there should be a separation between erotica and the extreme content warning. This is a good example of erotica (Traditional) - subtle and alluring, the way it should be :-))))
Excellent ink :-))))))))))))
Excellent ink :-))))))))))))
0

Re. melt
26th Sep 2019 1:31am
ice can slice
as it sends shivers
down ones spine
then all shivering is brief and fine
as it sends shivers
down ones spine
then all shivering is brief and fine
0

Re. melt
1st Nov 2019 5:37pm
Re: Re. melt
1st Nov 2019 7:17pm