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I Left You

I left you.    
† †  
I † †  
† † †
left † †  
† † †
you
† †  
† † †
you were playing so happily † †  
in the smiling sunshine † † †
breeze lifting your tawny hair † † †
making it dance atop your head † †  
curly tendrils † † †
I loved to bury my nose in them † † †
breathing deeply † † †
their fragrance uniquely you † † †
closing my eyes † †  
knowing this was the scent † †  
imprinted on my soul † †  
the one I would kill to protect † † †
never realizing until now † †  
it was me you needed saving from † † †
††† † †
on into the afternoon you played † † †
the rounded, bubbly lilt of your voice  
pure innocent joy  
I knew then like I know now  
I didnít deserve it  
wafting up to my window  
where I made my fevered plans  
to leave you behind  
† † †
in all the days of our many years † † †
that would come after this one † † †
even beyond our reconciliation † †  
four months later † † †
Iíd never hear that sound again † † †  
heart-pulverizing epiphanies † †  
would come much too late † †
itís because I stole it from you † †  
I packed it into my car † † †
along with my old duffel bag † †  
in my hell-bent need to escape, † † †
I drove off with it † † †
locked in my trunk † † †
where it remains † † †  
but in this moment there was nothing
but those ticks of the clock
heard just before it stops working †
and you played on in blissful ignorance
† †  
not
† † †
knowing

† † †
I was inside stuffing that bag
full of nothing I needed
and everything I didnít
smothered to the point
of stress fracture
my mind splintered
unable to make a way past myself
my thoughts made of murky water
and I just couldnít see
around these ominous shapes
swimming all around me
couldnít find my way through to you
unable to grasp the ledge
I lacked the strength
to hold on to you
no way to pull my shit together
wounds on my arms and legs
screamed at me
angry red lines of judgement
recrimination on repeat
the deeds Iíd done
and those done to me
were unforgivable
even if by no one but myself
I was barely a whole person
much less the mother you needed
† † †
standing in the driveway
tears making muddy tracks
down your dirty little cherub face
chubby miniature hands
clinging so tightly to my pants leg
begging me not to go
in unpracticed words
youíd barely learned how to say
and should never have had to use
† † †
no
† † †
mama
† † †
please
† † †
donít
† † †
go
† † †
bye bye

† † †
I had to peel you off my body† †
this memory is my penance
and Iíll never find absolution
there is no redemption
for this mama who left her baby boy  
fighting with all your might
panicked and squirming
desperate to leave your fatherís arms
trying frantically to climb into mine
† † †
I was doing you a favor, really
or so I was convinced
every single time
I was forced to endure
those other mamas
standing tall and shining bright
roaring flames to my cold ashes
while I lay crumpled
on the bathroom floor
broken and shattered
beyond repair
so I left you
† † †
I
† † †
left
† † †
you

† † †
I left you.
† † †
† † †  
† † †
† † †
LunaGreyhawk
Written by LunaGreyhawk
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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