Diagnosis

I take my pills precisely
At the same time 6 o’clock
They remind me that I’m not well
Bring back thoughts, I try to block

At times, it’s like white noise
It makes the voices fade away
Like the machine out by the door
When my therapy takes place

The office always dimly lit
She asks questions, then a pause
I try to answer honestly
As we try to find the cause

We go back to my childhood
Though I have no thoughts to share
I try to find a memory
But the memories aren’t there

She said that I have PTSD
From what I do not know
That I’ve voided out the trauma
Suppressed thoughts, they save my soul

She takes notes on her inquiries
We’ve tried so many ways
Asking the same questions
My mind’s mush, I’m in a haze

I told her of my cleaning
While I’m up so late at night
Insomnia consumes me
I don’t help, keep on the lights

I basically stay up for days
Then sleep 18 hours straight
Keeping myself busy
Long for sleep, just wait and wait

Don’t tell her of my drinking
Cause the pills don’t seem to help
I’ve turned now to the bottle
Try to take care of myself

I didn’t think too much of it
The late nights and long days
She dropped her glasses lower
Looked at me as if I’m crazed

Can’t say I want it all to end
Just tell her I’m exhausted
I keep a straight face briefly
Then start crying, then I lost it

Grab a tissue from the box
Couldn’t explain my emotion
Wish I didn’t know how to swim
I would just jump in the ocean

She tried to calm me down
Then she changed my diagnosis
The title was bipolar now
Not the best prognosis

From this I will not be ashamed
Nor will I let it beat me
I finally have an answer
No more symptoms to deceive me