Disappear

Nestled on a faded couch  
With my legs tucked underneath  
I struggle to find comfort
With my barefoot dirty feet  
 
Among the festive crowd  
Not a friend to call my own  
I’m once again surrounded  
Yet I feel so all alone  
 
Not one would look my way  
To say hi or meet my eyes  
I’m practically invisible  
Just myself and my demise  
 
The moment that they called  
I knew the invite was for show  
These people pass me day by day  
And not one will say hello  
 
Their parents called my parents  
And my parents said for sure  
For days they begged  
Not knowing all the pain that I’d endure  
 
I showed up with a gift card  
And a glimmer of some hope  
Here I am just sitting  
Then the party slowly woke  
 
The giggles and the smiles  
And the staring came in waves  
But no one would get close enough  
I’m no one for them to save  
 
I slowly got up  
Easing back my feet into flip flops  
The crowd parts with each step  
Up the stairs, up to the top  
 
I once again am centered  
As the butt of some dumb joke  
I guess I should be used to it  
Here I’m crying as I choke  
 
I caught my breathe  
And opened up the mirror on the wall  
And looked through all the labels  
And the bottles, through it all  
 
I found the strongest pills  
Knowing just what they were for  
I knew these were the ones  
To kill the pain and so much more  
 
Shoving the first bottle  
Then slanted on the sink  
I did it with another one  
Now there’s little time to think  
 
Gaining my composure  
Washed my face and stepped outside  
If only I had one friend  
I could lean on and confide  
 
I met a sea of faces  
Full of hateful, glaring stares  
I’ll never know just what I did  
For them to drive me to despair  
 
I made it back onto the couch  
With my seat empty and bare  
Sure I could call mom or dad  
But they really wouldn’t care  
 
They’d make me stay  
As they just wanted me to make some friends  
But these were not my people  
Not my crowd, this was my end  
 
I got up for a second time  
To grab myself a drink  
I nursed it as it stood close  
The more I sipped the more I’d blink  
 
The room was getting fuzzy  
And the faces zoomed away  
I always knew this was my end  
But I never found the way  
 
I hope they watch me  
As I vomit, then convulse and slowly die  
Will this give them all the pleasure  
They were looking for this time  
 
I let the drugs do their thing  
Pulling me to the dark side  
At least I wont be tormented  
With the need to run and hide  
 
My parents won’t discover me  
A fear I’ve held for years  
They have given me the greatest gift  
All the tools to disappear