Sonder (a message to myself)

I look at everyone

And try to read them
From the shadows

But it's hard to do, isn't it?
I've always been quite shy
And timid

I've always been told that I was naive, or stupid
Which doesn't make sense because
I don't trust easily

Or maybe that's just something we say, to make it seem like we've put up walls and boundaries

When in fact, someone comes and makes us feel loved
Which then in turn makes us vulnerable
And we let ourselves get hurt

Don't blame them my darling..you know it's your fault


I always thought I was quite loving. But searched for something to break me
Everytime something horrible happened I convinced myself that it hurt

But it didn't

At all

I'm not heartless
I just don't know myself quite well

I cry often
And my feelings get hurt
But it's funny because they don't

Days later I'm laughing again. And convince myself that I didn't need that person anyway

I was in love with myself at one point. A little narcissistic isn't it?..

I didn't believe anyone loved me like I loved myself
No one could see every beautiful thing I had

But then winter came
Like it always does
And the cold hits you and takes all the breath you have left

I couldn't look in the mirror
I was disgusted with myself to the core.

That's when I wanted someone to kill me.
So they could discover something I never got to see
So they could look into my eyes as my soul left my body and watch my pupils dialate.

They'd feel my last heartbeat as I left them with nothing

I was selfish
So selfish I gave everything I had to someone
Who I believed would fix me

Rookie mistake

The tables have turned
And I laugh

Because the missing puzzle pieces have been there all along

You

You've humbled me