...

i thought i was special
 
it is excruciating when i am not
and yet
while an omega life is intoxicating
it is not without the thought that it is all play
that i endure a demeaning place
while harboring an inner, secret phoenix
that the surprise of me is just around the corner
and those feelings and judgements you’ve cast
be found false
and my strong belief  
that the awakening of eyes  
is more powerful than the absence of a reversal of mind
 
the adrenaline of being wrong
that my estimations of worth inaccurate
and a quiet, seemingly absent confidence
found incorrect
is unbearable
 
am i the smartest guy in the room
i dont want to be
but to be honest  
sometimes i do
 
i dont mind being the most curious
the most creative
can i be honest for once...i want to be special
i hate the most
i hate the maligned contortions of ego
i want the stage of selfless humility to be the me
yet i can only stand and weather the day
the cackle of true lives around me
knowing
believing
that i stand tall
in a silence within
meaning no harm
wanting to give
wanting the ugliness of my need to be special to not be seen
 
am i even an adult?
 
 
until the awakening
the surprise
that, wait...who is this
who utters words in puzzles
that when untangled
by thought and attention
offer delight
flowers
and upon their recognition
their lesson
that even the seemingly meek
carry profoundness
that you too
can apply mind
and pluck from the street
moments that are as magical as any myth
right there before you
 
but to be straight
that i convinced you
i see these things
in all their depth
and you can too
 
if i were to think...
i’d hope  
that the needs of ego
the germ of self belief
is not for only i
but that all are special
seeking to find their context
but that mine is mine
and yours are yours
and theirs are theirs
even if they are not aware
 
there is kaleidoscope beauty
to be seen in all
and i want to hear yours
see it
play with it
so that we are all special
i want to smash the hierarchy
yet i trust not that the indignation of self
the insecurity of being
need not infest beauty  
and cause delusion
to prop up and reinforce
an i that is not i
i fear so
that the i that i want
needs more
than a fair share