Have I made you proud?

Have I ever made you proud?
When I laughed and smiled like the rest of the kids?
When that same smile wrapped itself around my neck
You watched it slip off my face
And when choking back the tears of my friend's funeral
I couldn't find the words I so helplessly desired
To lower that man with honourable grace
Because I didn't think I even know what love is,
but my words gave their family chills upon the podium,
it wasn't for me it was for them,
I told myself,
but selfishly I think I was reading my own goodbye
Ending it with I wonder what it's like to die
Is it for you? Could I finally be happy too?
But I stepped out of light into his shadow
to make him burn brighter that night.

Did I make you proud then?

When I pulled the strikes that could've ended a man's life
When I emptied the chamber into the ceiling and not his wife
When I buried myself in with all the dirt of my sins
And gave away my possessions to make others happy
In the end
Did I make you proud?

When I finished school ahead of most?
When I showed the state what I could create
With just a spark of my mind
Did it even matter then?
Were you proud of who I would become?
Should I be ashamed of all the things I couldn't make,
Create or bring any power to your name?

Fuck were you proud of me in the end?...

Did my name ring beautifully in your ear?
Overcoming pain and confusion with all sentimental
Items I'd buy you every year
Do you think..
I would've been a good father to the children I've lost?
You know me better than most..
Tell me would they be proud of me too?
Am I just talking myself to sleep and hoping my voice can reach ghosts..