deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost in the Wonderful Charm
This feels like magic,
Like an elaborate illusion without the confusion of smoke and mirrors,
When I’m nearer to this unmistakable bliss that is her love,
Or maybe I’m just lucky that way.
It seems supernatural,
The chances of someone like me could end up with someone like her,
We were friends forever, longing and yearning for more,
I guess the fates were in my favor.
It all appears mystical,
How our paths crossed then got lost in the storms of life’s destinations,
When the emotion ran deeper than anything I ever knew,
I can’t fathom life without her.
It’s been quite surreal,
It feels like a daydream I fell into from which I never want to wake up from,
Lost in the wonderful charm of passionate sensations,
Because it really is magic.
Like an elaborate illusion without the confusion of smoke and mirrors,
When I’m nearer to this unmistakable bliss that is her love,
Or maybe I’m just lucky that way.
It seems supernatural,
The chances of someone like me could end up with someone like her,
We were friends forever, longing and yearning for more,
I guess the fates were in my favor.
It all appears mystical,
How our paths crossed then got lost in the storms of life’s destinations,
When the emotion ran deeper than anything I ever knew,
I can’t fathom life without her.
It’s been quite surreal,
It feels like a daydream I fell into from which I never want to wake up from,
Lost in the wonderful charm of passionate sensations,
Because it really is magic.
Published 21st Aug 2019
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likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 8
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Wonderful, Wally. It's a testament to Universal timing, because timing is everything. You obviously weren't ready until now. Perhaps you had to experience the contrast of joy and happiness to truly appreciate love.
I want to add that the form is very impressive; however, I do feel you could tighten it up a bit by losing some unnecessary words. For example, S1:
This feels like magic,
Like an elaborate illusion without the confusion of smoke and mirrors,
When I’m nearer to this unmistakable bliss that is her love,
Or maybe I’m just lucky that way.
You've used 'like" back-to-back in L 1 & 2. You could always semi L1, connecting it to L2 as such:
This feels like magic;
an elaborate illusion without confusion of smoke and mirrors, ( note I also removed 'the' in L2 )
I could suggest more revisions to L2; however, I see you're trying to maintain a particular form, so don't want to interfere. You use 'like' five times throughout the verse, 'the' six times, 'I' five times, 'of' and 'it' four times, and 'her' and 'in' three times. Over 25% of your poem's content is repeated words. That's a lot for a 133 word poem. Repeating someone twice, and periodically three times is not as noticeable; however, when you begin repeating the same word four and five times, it may be beneficial to expand your vocabulary just a bit. Monitoring your unique words helps you grow as a writer because it forces you to think outside of your normal writing box. It forces you to say something differently, to tighten up, to trim the fat, to highlight the pertinent message.
I admire your discipline to achieving a particular form that's aesthetically pleasing; however, is it at the expense of the content? Only you can answer that. It's good as is; it could be great with revision. Being this is a very special poem, you may want to consider pushing yourself to achieve that greatness.
Enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing. May your years be blessed with this current happiness.
I want to add that the form is very impressive; however, I do feel you could tighten it up a bit by losing some unnecessary words. For example, S1:
This feels like magic,
Like an elaborate illusion without the confusion of smoke and mirrors,
When I’m nearer to this unmistakable bliss that is her love,
Or maybe I’m just lucky that way.
You've used 'like" back-to-back in L 1 & 2. You could always semi L1, connecting it to L2 as such:
This feels like magic;
an elaborate illusion without confusion of smoke and mirrors, ( note I also removed 'the' in L2 )
I could suggest more revisions to L2; however, I see you're trying to maintain a particular form, so don't want to interfere. You use 'like' five times throughout the verse, 'the' six times, 'I' five times, 'of' and 'it' four times, and 'her' and 'in' three times. Over 25% of your poem's content is repeated words. That's a lot for a 133 word poem. Repeating someone twice, and periodically three times is not as noticeable; however, when you begin repeating the same word four and five times, it may be beneficial to expand your vocabulary just a bit. Monitoring your unique words helps you grow as a writer because it forces you to think outside of your normal writing box. It forces you to say something differently, to tighten up, to trim the fat, to highlight the pertinent message.
I admire your discipline to achieving a particular form that's aesthetically pleasing; however, is it at the expense of the content? Only you can answer that. It's good as is; it could be great with revision. Being this is a very special poem, you may want to consider pushing yourself to achieve that greatness.
Enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing. May your years be blessed with this current happiness.
21st Aug 2019 11:02pm
Thanks Ahavati, sometimes I do rush through a piece and overlook the repeated the words. I'll be certain to go back and make some edits.
W
W
Anonymous
- Edited 8th May 2020 8:45pm
21st Aug 2019 4:08pm
<< post removed >>
21st Aug 2019 11:03pm
21st Aug 2019 6:39pm
21st Aug 2019 11:03pm
22nd Aug 2019 1:26am
I am green with envy. (;
My sincere congratulations, Wally.
Love is a beautiful thing.
Yours,
LostGirl
My sincere congratulations, Wally.
Love is a beautiful thing.
Yours,
LostGirl
22nd Aug 2019 10:35pm
