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Once More, But Never Again

weary beyond grand words
lost and I canít find letters
someone come group them
together for me
and arrange them
precisely on my paper
my midnight eyes gripping
filled to the absolute brim
with unshed tears frozen
to the last shred of dignity
I can find within
the last piece of me
of my origin, of who I am
and how I came to be
I am so desperate to hang on
but my white knuckled approach
has left me with broken
fingers and a bruised head
cracks inside my heart
patched precariously
with simple clear tape
the kind that doesnít stick
old and covered in detritus
from the bottom of my bag
whatever I am made of
it leaves a putrid taste
in your already bitter mouth
but Iíve never been sweeter
than I was when I loved you
 
tired of playing
so dumb
so you can feel
so smart
exhausted with you
being enraged with me
and the space I dare
occupy
 
Iím even bigger on the inside
if you could imagine
such a thing
the whole of the cosmos resides
within my frailty
intertwined with my fears
counting into the hundreds
these days
youíve hated me from the moment
this ill-fitting soul was placed
into this awkward body
I told myself it was in reserve
for all the someone elses †  
someones who had wronged you
I longed for the day youíd bestow
that precious all-the-way love
upon my confused and crowded head
despite what you think about me
that love is the only thing of yours
I ever coveted
†  
but you should know
I am an empath goddess
you audacious, silly girl
albeit, one not many believe in
my footing on the gilded path
was sidelined by your
insatiable need to cage me
tame me, maim me
keep my honeyed lips
my curvy hips
my witty quips
muted so your insecurity
could crawl itís fragile spirit
inside my mouth and hide
until all the words I spoke
were antique mirrors
instead of open windows
†  
disrobed of my outer shell
my origin story erased
you are not my keeper
and I am no longer yours
bet your ass we both knew my role
and the one you assumed was yours
while you pretended and I denied
my five year-old naÔvetť
wanted the lies I told myself
to sprout legs and run free
Iíll get out the glue this time
spackle this fragile bitchís heart
back together once more
but never again
†  
Iíll smooth it all over
so youíll never see the fault lines
Iíll hide them deep on the inside
with the rest you gave me
and Iíll find my footing
sure as shit I will
and when my frayed wings
have returned to my aching back
Iíll leave you in your acrid stench
your humid swamp of veiled begrudging
of conditional love, provisional hovering
and fly the fuck out of here
like the hot-mess demon
rebellious wanton heathen
youíve always believed me to be
with my rusted, crooked halo  
Iíll soar far above and beyond you
then we can both begin yet again
by telling ourselves the truth
LunaGreyhawk
Written by LunaGreyhawk
Published | Edited 7th Sep 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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