Open letter to my love

I can't tell you everything I want to say right now. Things are so complicated between us and with both of our lives. But I just wish I could tell you how much I love you. We both made bad choices in this relationship and did things to hurt each other. But even with all that, I can't help but to love you. I know both of our mental illnesses are the cause for these problems. But it doesnt change how much I miss you. How much I long to hold you as we drift off to sleep again. To watch our favorite shows together in bed and eat junk food. How much I miss you driving me crazy by eating the raw mushrooms out the fridge when they are for dinner later. Or making bacon and not washing your hands and wiping it on your robe. You stealing my coffee creamer and leaving the kind I dont like much. I miss that and so much more. Like that smile of yours when you're highly amused. (Usually from making fun of me and laughing at my reaction) I miss the look you would give me when you wanted something and were ready to beg. I miss the way you'd play with my hair at night or in the morning when you thought I was sleeping. I miss the peaceful look on your face as you slept. I miss falling asleep watching xena with you. I miss talking you into going for a walk and listening to you whine cuz your legs hurt after 5 minutes.  I miss your soft kisses in the morning after I would get home from work and slide into bed beside you. I miss every stupid thing we do when we smoked a bowl and I would get the leans. I miss hanging out with you and my mom and you both poking fun at me. And our game on the couch of passing the Poke along back and forth. I miss mom walking in on us making out in the kitchen and you yelping in surprise. I miss you trying to make something you haven't in a long time and messing it up and telling me I cant try it cuz it's wrong and it has to be right when I do. I miss watching game of thrones with you and us huddling under the blanket together moving with the opening music pretending to travel together. I miss watching random cartoons and coloring together for hours just because. I miss playing Mario kart and feeling like a champ when I would win and you being a terrible loser. But that when you would win you were a terrible winner. I miss going to the bathroom and you walking in cuz you gotta do something now and it cant wait. I miss trying to get dressed only to find what I wanted to wear was dirty cuz you already wore it. I miss the chair piled high with clean clothes we just dug stuff out of and hoped the cats didnt deposit too much cat hair on them. I miss how it felt being nearly pushed off the bed cuz you are such a bed hog and you whining when I would make you scoot over. I miss vaping with you and seeing who can make the biggest cloud. And you laughing when I would choke. I miss just being able to exist with you in the same room and it not feeling weird if we dont talk. Silence was just as comfortable with you as our long deep talks. I know we video chat nearly daily now and we have some epic conversations, but I do so miss you being here in person. I know we both have a lot of things to take care of and things we need to personally work on to better ourselves and hopefully better us together. I hope we have a future on the other side of all this because I just miss you. You and that beautiful face. I couldn't care less if you just woke up and you look like death or you just spent an hour getting yourself all dolled up, you always have been and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me. And you will always be the love of my life....