Bonfire Night

Hahahaha! That's when I celebrate my birthday! Believe me, it used to be interesting sharing it in England!  Actually it was pretty awful ( many British kids can be cruel to American ones ( thank goodness for the kind ones )); but, at least there were fireworks!

You've asked for honest critique, so in that spirit I would suggest the following:


Fireworks—a marching drumbeat
Permeate the autumn night:
Hissing, sizzling
Whistling—

Filling the sky
with bright coloured sounds:  
Pink, Purple
A cannon—

Waterfall
lightning and thunder displayed—

then stillness
Midnight
~

I suggested the above for a few reasons I probably don't have to explain to you, being a seasoned writer; however, I felt there to be extraneous wordage, i.e. - 'like', which is a simile I attempt to avoid at all costs ( despite it rhyming with night ).  If you're going to use one, I would suggest 'as'. The consonance of 's' would be enhanced throughout S1.  I semi-duplicated the form in S2 because I really liked the repetition—as fireworks in the sky.  There was something about all those 'A's that I didn't feel worked very well regarding the flow.  This also allowed the final couplet to stand on it's own—in silence, per se.

I really enjoyed the nature of the verse, and it pretty much works as is; however, I personally feel it would work better tightened up.  It's a nice observation on a glimpse into history.

Thanks very much, Ahavati. Your feedback always encourages me to take a more critical look at my work and I've become increasingly recently that the word "like" (comparison) can easily become a cliche.

Reading this reminds me of a summer evening in the park, an orchestra performing Händel's "Music for the Royal Fireworks".... :-)
Beautiful poem - thanks for sharing.

Many thanks, applepie.

Sadly we banned bonfire night many years ago so as to keep ourselves safe here in Australia...but I remember those wonderfully exciting times as a child...thanks for the memories L...beautiful ink man.
Peace...Harry

Many thanks, Harry. It's sad you can no longer enjoy Bonfire Night in Australia.